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Loose Dead Ends

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This story is No. 4 in the series "Oh, The Places He Goes!". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Xander has a run in with a lady who sees dead people.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Dead LastphoukaFR1511,84321012,68818 Feb 0618 Feb 06Yes
Loose Dead Ends

Disclaimer: Dead Last was originally produced by D.V. DeVincentis. No idea what network showed it or production company owns it, but obviously, it's their property, and not mine or phoukabro's. Xander Harris and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement is intended. No profit will be made. No puppies will be stomped.

Phouka’s Note: This is not mine. It was written by my brother, whom I shall refer to as phoukabro. This is the third of four crossover fics he’s written with Xander as the main character. You can also read:

“Don’t Lose Your Head”
“Medium Sized Trouble in Little China”

phoukabro is almost as be a feedback whoredog as I am. All reviews will be forwarded to him, and believe me, he appreciates them.

Author’s Note: I’m going to give this one to you. This is a crossover with the show Dead Last, a show that lasted only six episodes on the WB back in 2001. The premise was a garage band found an amulet that cursed them. The curse is that they can now see and interact with spirits of the dead. The spirits would bug them to perform tasks that would let the spirit move on too the next world. It was very funny show based on the fact that the band really didn’t want to help anyone, and only acted because the spirit would annoy them until they finally acted. This show really needs a DVD release.

Now onto the actual story.

Jane Cahill pulled into the parking lot of the motel off the main interstate. She turned to her bandmate sitting shotgun.

“Okay, Scottie. Run in and get us a couple of rooms,” she said.

She turned and saw Scottie napping.

“C’mon Scottie. We need to check in.”

“I checked in last time. It’s your turn.”

“No, I drove today.”

“Doesn’t matter. Still your turn,” Scottie mumbled.

“Look, someone needs to get us our rooms.”

“Not it,” Scottie quickly said.

“This isn’t something you can dodge just by saying -”<P> “Not it.”

“Not it.”

Jane looked back at Vaughn and Dennis in the back seat. They both were slumped, trying to nap.

“Unbelievable. What ever happened to chivalry?”

“We’ve seen you in the morning with no makeup on. Chivalry died of a heart attack, and we dumped its body in the desert. I want a non-smoking room.”

Jane trudged into the lobby, grumbling under her breath. She glanced around and saw a scruffy young man by the desk, and a sullen young woman pacing up and down the lobby. The man turned around, and Jane saw he wore an eye patch. Interesting. He bent over to pick up his bags, and Jane took a moment to enjoy the view.

“You want to have sex with him.”

Jane looked up and saw the young woman glaring at her.

Jane hoped that by ignoring the woman, she would move on and leave her alone.

“I’m sure you’re planning the different ways to bring him to orgasm.”

Jane turned to the woman. “Excuse me? Do I know you?”

“You can see me?” the woman asked.

Aw crap.


“You can! You can see me!”

Jane sighed. She really just wanted to chick in and go to bed.

“Yeah, I can see you. Let’s not make a big deal out of it.”

“But you can help me. He doesn’t know I’m here. I’ve been watching him for two years, and I just want to help him get on with his life. You can help me.”

Jane glanced around. If only Scottie had checked in, he would’ve had to deal with her, and she could be napping in the van.

“Fine, but can we do this quickly? It’s been a long day.”

The woman smiled. “Don’t worry. You’ll enjoy it. Now go up to him and repeat what I say.”

Xander had just gotten his room key and grabbed his bag when a young woman approached him in the lobby of the motel.

“Excuse me?”

Xander looked up at the rather attractive young woman.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah. I’m your name, I mean Jane… and I was just about to check in when I noticed you…. And you seem like an interesting person who’s had a full life so far…”

Xander noticed Jane kept glancing to his left. He glanced behind him and didn’t see anything.

“And as a young independent woman, there a certain values I appreciate… And that brings us to one conclusion… I think that we, that is you and me…. Should have sex?”

Xander looked at Jane. She squirmed under his gaze and kept glancing to his left. Xander silently contemplated what she said. Finally he came to one inescapable conclusion.

Jane couldn’t believe what the ghost told her to do. She didn’t even know the guy. It was insulting. It’s not like she sleeps around with any guy she thought was cute… anymore. Jane squirmed as the guy just stared at her. Finally he spoke.

“You’re evil, aren’t you?”


The guy just shrugged.

“Well, you’re someone I’ve never seen before, and you just walked up to me and said we should have sex. So I’m going to play the odds here and say, yeah, you’re probably evil.”

Jane glared at the spirit.

“God, this is so embarrassing.”

The spirit looked back at her.

“Okay, good start, but you stumbled at the pitch. Just tell Xander that you’ve been going through a dry spell, and he looks like a strapping young man that can bring a woman to sexual satisfaction. Oh, and maybe turn around and bend over. He likes that.”

Jane shook her head in disbelief.

“Look, Xander. I -”

“How did you know my name?”

“I… dammit. Look, this may seem strange, but there is a perfectly sane explanation… that would take to long to get into right now.”

“Yeah. You’re really doing nothing to weaken the whole ‘you’re evil’ theory.”

“You’re ruining it. How hard is it to get a guy into bed? You must be lacking to fundamental social skills.”

Jane turned to the spirit. “Will you just shut up?”

Xander glanced back to his left. “You seem a little distracted. Maybe we should just call it a night.”

The spirit watched him turn to leave. “NO! Look just repeat what I say.”

Xander grabbed his bag and reached for the lobby door, when Jane spoke again.

“Look, I have a message from Anya.”

Xander stopped and turned.;

“Okay. This just stopped being cute. I don’t know who you are or what you want. But trying to manipulate me by mentioning her name won’t work. So I suggest you leave right now.”

Jane backed up a step. “I know this sounds crazy. And I really don’t have any sinister plans for you. The fact is that I can see spirits. And this Anya won’t leave me alone, unless I help her.”

“And to help her, you have to have sex with me?” Xander said, dubiously.

“Her idea. Not mine. Not that you’re hideous or anything. But I’m not saying that under certain circumstances things couldn’t develop, but I’m not planning on sleeping with you, while the ghost of your old girlfriend waits outside.”

“Nice to know you have standards. Sorry, but I don’t buy it.”

“Look, maybe we can figure a way to let her move on…. What? There’s no way that’s happening.”

Xander turned to the empty spot which Jane just addressed. “Let me guess, another strange request?"

Jane glanced back to Xander from Anya. Anya kept talking to her.

“All I’m saying is that I have spent countless hours teaching Xander to be a more efficient lover. And with my help, the experience will be more satisfactory to all parties.”

Xander tapped his foot waiting for a response.

Jane just shrugged. “She doesn’t want to wait outside. She wants to be in the room so she can offer directions on how to do it more efficiently.”

Xander stood silent, as his eye widened. “YOU ARE TALKING TO ANYA!”

“Finally, he believes you.”

Jane glanced back and forth.

Xander stepped closer to Jane. “How is she? Is she in pain? Does she seem happy?”

Jane glanced at Anya. “Are you in pain? Are you happy?”

Anya shrugged. “Mainly bored. And concerned about him.”

Xander waited eagerly for Jane’s response.

“She says she’s mainly bored. And that she’s concerned about you.”

“Tell her… tell her I miss her. And ask if there’s anything I can do.” Xander said.

“She can hear you.”

“Oh. What does she say?”

“She says that she’s worried about you….. She thinks you’re burying yourself in work….. And that you need to learn how to enjoy life again…. She’s flattered that you’ve been mourning her…. But you need to move on and see to your own needs….. She says she thought Phoebe? Yeah, Phoebe could help you, but you just turned her down…. Why did you do that? Are you gay now? Her words, not mine.”

Xander paused. “Look, Anya. I just… I’m sorry I hurt you, but I never stopped loving you. I wanted to give you the time and space you needed, and I thought we might be able to… I don’t know, see if there was still anything between us. But then you died. And I never got to tell you how much I still cared for you. And I never knew if you still loved me.”

Jane listened for a moment, then responded. “Look, Xander. I won’t deny that you hurt me…. But I have to admit that I hurt you too…. And if I was honest, I would have admitted that I knew you weren’t ready, but I was blinded by my own needs…. I’m glad that you gave me the space I needed, but I wouldn’t have pushed you away if I knew how little time we had…. I always loved you…. And I always will.” Jane stopped and wiped the tears forming in her eyes, then continued. “I’ve been watching you and I want you to be happy…. So just have sex with this girl and I can leave? Whoa, you are not my pimp. I do get a say in this.”

Xander smiled sadly. “So you loved me all that time, huh?”

Jane listened then nodded. “Yeah, she did.”

“And in order to move on, you have to know that I can move on with my life?”

Again Jane listened, then nodded.


Xander said, then pulled Jane close and kissed her deeply. Jane was about to push away, but stopped then relaxed. From the corner of her eye, she saw Anya smile, then slowly fade away. Xander tenderly held her in his arms, his hand cupping her face.

Finally, he broke the kiss.

“Wow.” Jane gasped. “Why can’t all my missions go like this?”

Xander grinned shyly. “Is she still there?”

“No. She’s gone on to… wherever spirits go once they’re done here.”

Xander nodded. “Look, I… Thanks. I’m sorry about the whole evil thing. I’m glad you could help Anya.”

“Yeah. Anytime…. Say, do you maybe want to get a drink, or maybe something to eat?”

Xander looked at her. “It’s tempting? But I have to leave early in the morning. I have to help out someone. And it’s been a long day.” With that, Xander covered his mouth as he yawned.

Jane yawned in return. “Yeah. It has. And I’m shipping out in the morning also. I… I’m glad I could help."

Jane watched Xander leave, then walked up to the counter and got a room key. She walked to her room, unlocked the door, then fell on the bed, still fully clothed. In less than a minute, she was sound asleep.

In the van in the parking lot, Scottie turned over.

“She’s been gone awhile. Maybe someone should check to see if she’s gotten our rooms yet.”

“Not it.”

“Not it.”

Scottie looked at Vaughn and Dennis in the back seat, sighed, then opened the door.

“Stupid ‘not it’ rules.”

The End

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