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Prophecies? We Don't Need No Stinking Prophecies!

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Prophecies Are A Pain In The Ass". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: How would things have changed if Harry Potter was raised by the Scooby Gang?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered
Multiple Crossings > General
GreywizardFR1838161,6642691605857,70925 Feb 0620 Feb 14No
CoA Winner

Ch 37 –"There's a battle outside, And it's ragin'"

Author's Note 1: This chapter is dedicated to Manchester, with my thanks for making me laugh out loud while reading "He Really Would've Hated That Epitaph," at a time when I really needed it. Go read the story, so you can see what I mean.

Author’s Note 2: Thanks to all my readers and reviewers for being patient with regard to the fanfic updates. Life has been kinda (okay, more than kinda) tough lately, but hopefully things will start returning to normal now. We’ll see, anyway. And now, on with our irregularly scheduled update...



"You pathetic muggle trollop, know now that I am not that pathetic and sanctimonious, long-dead fool, Albus Dumbledore! I am unquestionably his superior, as I proved when he attacked me and I destroyed him, back in 1945! " the portrait shouted, much to the horror of some members of its audience.

"I am Gellert Grindelwald!"


And now:

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Headmistress' Office

Hearing the gasps of shocked disbelief and horror, and seeing the expressions of disgust and astonishment on the faces of their associates, the assorted Scooby Gang members all realized that the name the soul-copy in the portrait had shouted out an instant before clearly had some particular significance of the bad to this dimension's native-born witch and wizards.

Accordingly, Buffy summarized all of their questions as she turned to their resident expert on interactions between the mundane and magical worlds and asked, "So, Remus, who exactly is this Gelded Grinchywood guy this cartoon wizard here is claiming to be?"

Shifting his appalled stare from the painting which was currently the focus of his, Sirius' and McGonagall's clearly horrified attention, Remus turned slightly, to better face the Scoobies. He then began to marshal his thoughts for an appropriate explanation of an exceedingly shameful page of the Wizarding World's long history, while also repressing a snort of amusement at Buffy's brilliantly managing to mangle Grindelwald's name. She’d mangled it in such a manner that even the Wizarding World's premiere bogeyman would be able to grasp the magnitude of the insult she'd just delivered, too.

After pausing to take a deep breath and let it out in a measured, calming exhalation, the lycanthropic one-time Marauder begin his explanation for his and his fellow Wizarding World associates' reactions to the revelation of Hogwarts' former headmaster's true identity.

"The best description I can offer you regarding Gellert Grindelwald," Remus began, as he took a moment to glance back again at the painting currently staring at the group gathered before it with now-unconcealed contempt and scorn, "is to tell you is that if you took the authoritarian and autocratic attitudes advocated by the political leaders, Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin, from the muggle Second World War, and then added in the worst personality aspects of their associate, Dr. Josef Mengele, who was in charge of the medical experimentation inflicted on the people imprisoned in the Nazi concentration camps, then you'd end up with a man who, when compared to Grindelwald, would be considered to be like Mahatma Gandhi."

Seeing the disbelieving expressions gracing the various Scoobies' faces upon hearing his description, Remus nodded his head to add emphasis to his previous statement as he said, "I was being wholly and completely sincere when I made that comparison, my friends.

"This, this – creature, I refuse to call him a 'person' – thought nothing whatsoever was wrong with experimenting on anyone who had been sent to the detention camps he'd ordered his followers to set up, treating them as though they nothing but laboratory animals," the werewolf noted as he scowled at the former headmaster's portrait.

"Grindelwald's experiments included conducting dark rituals – unforgivables, banned by all civilized countries – on his prisoners, in order to determine how they might affect the subject's magic, as well as attempting to transplant various organs from one person to another, to see if that could increase the recipient's magic," Remus explained, as his audience listened with ever-growing expressions of horror on their faces.

"Pah! Everyone we tested back then was completely worthless, and good only for the purposes we used them for! Just like you and your companions are, you diseased, unworthy mongrel!" Grindelwald's portrait broke in, rudely interrupting Remus' narrative.

"They were nothing but blood traitors, squibs and muggles!" the painting declared, sneering at the group who were now all staring at it with a mixture of revulsion, disgust and loathing. "They should have been *grateful* that they could provide some minor service to their betters, by enabling us to gain deeper and fuller insights into the inner workings of magic!"

"Y'know, after hearing this guy spouting off like this, I'm kinda feeling like maybe doing some experimenting of my own now, aren't you, guys?" Xander announced as he gave the painting in front of them a narrow-eyed look.

"For instance, I'm wondering exactly what effects some regular ol' paint remover from the local hardware store might have on enchanted paintings," Harris elaborated as the rest of the group nodded and murmured their own suggestions as to possible ideas on how to deal with the image before them.

"Me? I think I'd like to see exactly sort of what effect plain old sandpaper would have on a magic painting, Xand," Buffy offered her own suggestion as she gave the painting a venomous look.

"But only after it tells us exactly what sort of plans it had with regard to Harry," the petite blonde said, as she reminded everyone of their original intentions in talking to the headmaster's portrait.

As her words garnered unanimous nods and agreement, Buffy focused an unrelenting stare on the painting and said, "Okay, then, Gelded. Exactly what kind of scheme were you planning on using Harry for, and why were you planning on doing it?

"And be sure not to leave out any details of your plan, at all, no matter how minor you might think they are…"


Hogwarts Castle
The Great Hall

"So, you're saying that it was your mother who attacked Dumbledore in Gringotts, and that she was the person who murdered him?" a Sixth Year Hufflepuff named Roger Bonham declared loudly, after Harry had finished giving his explanation of what had occurred at Gringotts, following the reading of his parents' wills.

Bonham was one of the more extreme pureblood bigots – as well as being a complete and total bloody tosser, Harry had decided, after listening to him spouting reams of unsubstantiated tripe (as Grandpa Giles would have phrased it) regarding mundane born witches and wizards at several different meals over the course of the past few weeks – and the blustering, loudmouthed idiot was definitely someone whom Harry figured was probably looking to become an apprentice Dead Beater at the earliest opportunity. Well, if he wasn't one, already.

"No, that wasn't what I said, at all, Bonham – you berk," Harry immediately replied, his irritation at the moron's bigoted attitude clearly evident to anyone – i.e., everyone currently present in the Great Hall – who was watching.

"Now pay attention and watch my lips. I'll even try to use smaller words, so you'll have a better chance to understand what it was that actually happened, okay?" Harry said as he gave the older youth a look of irritated disdain.

Ignoring the flushed and angry look Bonham threw his way at his response to the idiot's comment, Harry then elaborated on his earlier account of the happenings in Gringotts.

"When the Headmaster resisted the Aurors' efforts to arrest him, as they had been directed to do by order of the King, my mother – who is an authorized law enforcement official back home, mind you – tried to assist Madame Bones and her aurors in their efforts to subdue him," he stated, firmly and unequivocally.

"The Headmaster then, in a murderous rage, cast a lethal spell at my mother in an attempt to either seriously injure or kill her – an action which should undoubtedly be considered as criminal by any sort of civilized and rational society, wouldn't you agree?" Harry asked, as he gave Bonham another contemptuous glance.

"In any event," he went on, "a member of my family who was also present at the will reading then cast what was later described as a banishing spell at the Headmaster, which knocked the old fart through one of the bank's walls. Afterwards, the aurors took Dumbledore to St. Mungo's Hospital, where he later died as a result of his injuries."

Harry was careful to phrase his words so as to not immediately identify himself as the caster, since his family – and evidently, the Ministry, as well – wanted to keep that particular bit of information quiet for as long as possible, so as to not paint a big target on his back for the howling, ignorant mob (and Magical Britain was definitely a third world country, by any measure as far as howling mobs went) which would, almost inevitably, be showing up to bewail the Headmaster's death and demand 'justice' be taken against his killer.

"The Ministry's Department of Magical Law Enforcement has investigated all of the circumstances involved and they determined that Professor Dumbledore's death was the result of his blatantly illegal refusal to submit to the Ministry's effort to arrest him. And this was pursuant to proof of the Headmaster's involvement in numerous crimes, which included kidnapping, assault, mental assault, unauthorized memory modification, interference with the lawful custody of a minor and unauthorized and unlawful access to and misappropriation of a Noble House's finances and assets," Harry finished summarizing his description of both the incident and the subsequent numerous and varied charges which would undoubtedly be heralded in the local papers within the next few days, as the requisite legal papers were drawn up and issued.

"And now that that's been addressed, does anyone have any other questions?" Harry asked, hoping fervently that he was going to be able to duck out the side door and just relax and catch up with his friends about everything that had been going on the past few days.

"Uh, Harry, I have a question," one of the other First Years immediately called out, as she waved her hand in a frenzied manner while she pretty much bounced in place next to her friends and classmates.

{ That's – uh, Lavender Brown, from Gryffindor, } Harry reminded himself as he reluctantly nodded his acknowledgment of her effort to get his attention.

"Yes, Lavender?" he asked, politely but distractedly, while consideration of what he would probably be able to persuade one of the house elves to get him from the kitchen flitted through his mind. "What's your question?"

"Teen Witch Weekly says that, according to their most reliable sources, you're the sole heir to an empire that your parents won by defeating the previous Emperor – who was a dragon! – in single combat! Is that true?" Lavender asked, with a wide-eyed and fervent expression on her face. One that reminded Harry *way* too much of the sort of fangirl fanaticism that he'd occasionally seen in the eyes of the younger, teenaged Slayers back home when they discussed whomever their latest entertainment infatuation might be.

"Well, while there is some degree of truth as far as the reports of how my parents acquired the regency of their – current domain – Miss Brown," Harry *very* reluctantly conceded the basic accuracy of the magazine's article, "I would most definitely disagree with any characterization of me as being any sort of 'heir' to the territories over which my parents currently hold authority."

"Harry," a Forth Year he didn't immediately recognize called to him. "One of the people my father works with at the Ministry said that your father threatened to rip the Minster's spine out of his body, and then strangle him with it. Is that true?"

"No, of course not," Harry immediately declared. "I was there, and my father most definitely did *not* threaten to do that!"

{ Dad just *offered* to rip out Fudge's spine, } he reminded himself, deciding that that sort of question needed to be answered as precisely as possible. { He never mentioned anything at all about using it to strangle him. }

Seeing the nearly ear-to-ear grin his Aunt Faith was wearing as she and his two uncles watched his impromptu pseudo-press conference from off to one side of the Great Hall, Harry reflected to himself that he could now much more readily understand his father's usual comments when he'd been required to deal with 'bottom feeders from the press corps,' while he turned his attention to the next question.

"Harry," the young man heard yet another student call out, "my cousin, who works for the Daily Prophet, said that she heard that one of your uncles is an unregistered animagus, and that…"


Department of Magical Law Enforcement
Level Two
Ministry of Magic
London, England

"All right, then," Amelia Bones addressed her two senior team members as she slipped on her dragonhide auror robes. "The main thing to keep in mind is that, with the school back in session, there are probably going to be scores of children in the immediate vicinity, regardless of where we go.

"So, we're going to try to be as casual about this visit as we can be, while also making sure that the suspect doesn't have a chance to get away," she directed.

"I've coordinated with one of the blokes I know down in the Department of Magical Transportation, boss, and explained to him what we're looking to do," Shacklebolt chimed in.

"Five minutes after we leave here, he'll have all of the floo connections coming out of Hogwarts shut down, and he won't allow them to be opened again, until he gets the okay from me to do so," he promised.

"Excellent," Amelia smiled her approval upon hearing the massive black auror's words.

"I've got a dozen people I'm sure we can trust to back us up, waiting in the Ready Room, boss," Robards followed Shacklebolt's report with his own.

"I don't think we'll have any difficulty arresting the suspect, but after the problem we ran into at Gringotts, I figured it's better to have more people than we think we'll need, rather than not enough," he explained with a minor shrug of his shoulders.

"Yes, well, after having to deal with Dumbledore, I really can't fault you on that idea, Robards," Amelia agreed with a minor grimace.

"All right, then, let's get moving, then," the Head of the DMLE said as she reflexively checked that her back-up wand and sap were available and in position.

"I'm really looking forward to seeing just how Argus Filch explains exactly where all those galleons he's got stored away in that 'minor' vault in Gringotts came from," Amelia said, as she led the way out of her office and towards the ready room.


Ministry of Magic
Undersecretary's office

"…and once we arrive at the school, I want the Potter brat taken into protective custody as quickly as possible, so that we can transfer him to a more secure location," Dolores instructed her minions, using a minor variation of what she'd already told him at least five times in less than ten minutes.

"If anyone tries to prevent you from finding the boy, I am authorizing everyone here to use whatever spells might prove necessary to accomplish our purpose," she declared loudly, as though the sheer volume of her orders might somehow expedite their task.

"What, exactly, does that mean, Undersecretary?" one of the aforementioned minions – most likely one of the more experienced Ministry employees, who had learned the basics of covering one's backside at all costs – asked. "Are you actually ordering us to use stunners on the students, if they don't cooperate with us in locating the Potter boy?"

"I am telling you that you are to do *whatever* is required to ensure that we find and take that boy into custody as quickly as possible," Umbridge half-snarled her response, while trying to determine exactly who it was who had asked that particular question.

"If any of the teachers – or anyone else – tries to prevent you from carrying out my orders, you are to use stunners, or whatever other spells might be needed, to make sure that they don’t interfere!"

Either not noticing or ignoring the uncomfortable expressions her staff members exchanged as they looked at each other at her non-answer, Umbridge led the way out of her secretary's office and headed towards the restricted floo connection.


Hogwarts Castle
An unused room on the second floor

"…so, I figured that, since my family used to call themselves the 'Scooby Gang,' our being the next generation of Scoobies meant that we should be called the Scrappy Gang," Harry informed his friends with a wide smile as, after escaping the pandemonium following his earlier announcement in the Great Hall, they relaxed in the usually deserted classroom that they'd claimed and fixed up for themselves, to generally just hang out in.

"Or maybe just the Scrappies, for short, if you prefer."

"Wait a minute!" the somewhat bushy-haired brunette currently sitting on the divan on Harry's left hissed as she indignantly grabbed hold of his sleeve, as the final piece of the puzzle concerning her best friend finally dropped into place while listening to Harry's explanation.

Ignoring the fact that her action had generated a variety of puzzled looks from Susan, Ron and Draco, who weren't at all sure just what had prompted their friend's response to Harry's explanation for why he'd decided to refer to the five of them as 'Scrappies,' Hermione decided that she needed confirmation direct from the horse's mouth of the rather mind-fraking (to use one of Harry's rather colorful, favorite descriptions) conclusion she'd just drawn.

"Are you telling us that your family – the people who you told us are basically the mundane equivalent of Aurors as far as supernatural occurrences are concerned , and who go out hunting dark and/or evil creatures every night – they named themselves after a group of *cartoon characters*?!" the outraged brunette prodigy half-shrieked in a scandalized tone of voice.

"Well, yeah," Harry nonchalantly nodded his agreement, a hint of a grin again tugging at the corners of his mouth as he returned the brunette's irate gaze with an offhand insouciance better suited to someone several years older. "Y'see, my family tries fairly hard to not take themselves too seriously."

"Is everyone in your family completely insane?!" the affronted brunette over-achiever loudly exclaimed in incensed disbelief, before then instantly clamping her hands over her mouth as a wide-eyed expression of horror filled her face.

"Oh, good heavens! I'm so sorry, Harry!" Hermione immediately apologized. "That was simply horrible of me! I should never have said anything like that!"

"Oh, don't worry about it, Hermione," the Boy-Who-Vanished shook his head and waved his hand, as though in dismissal of her comment, while the other three members of the group simply watched in amused bewilderment. "You aren't anywhere near the first person to say something like that.

"In fact, I've herd my Grandpa Giles ask either my parents or some of my aunts and uncles the same thing a couple times most weeks back home," Harry reassured her with an amused grin.

"Well, it's good to hear that you fit in perfectly well with the rest of your family, then, mate," Ron commented with an approving nod, the entertained expression on his face matching the ones on Susan's and Draco's faces, while Hermione clearly was uncertain whether or not she should be affronted by their friend's latest revelation.

"And to change the subject completely for a moment, Harry," Draco followed up on Ron's observation, "I'm guessing that you learned how to deal with that Death Eater who harassed you last week the way you did from your family?"

"Oh, yeah, everyone working for the Council gets combat training – and they have to spend a week in actual field operations each year to make sure that they don’t get out of practice," Harry nodded his confirmation of the blond youth's speculation.

"And all Council employees' family members are taught how to defend themselves, too, 'cause some of the groups the Council has to deal with wouldn't think twice about grabbing a member of our people's families, to try to make them do what they want," he elaborated further as the quartet listened with dismayed attention.

'Well, uh, Harry, after seeing how effective you were in dealing with that Death Eater who hit you last week," Susan joined in the conversation, "we've been talking things over, and we were hoping that, maybe, you could maybe show us how we could learn to do things like that, too?"

"Sure, I can do that," the so-called Boy-Who-Vanished immediately nodded his head in approving agreement, and his friends all smiled with a mix of satisfaction and relief at his response.

"In fact, if you want, I can talk to my family and see if, maybe, my Aunt Faith or Uncle Casey would be willing to teach self-defense classes to anyone who's interested in learning," Harry offered, and the others' faces lit up with expressions of hopeful anticipation and excitement.

"That'd be brilliant if you'd do that, Harry! I'd really love a chance to train with your aunt!" Susan exclaimed with a wide smile, with Hermione, Draco and Ron adding their own enthusiastic concurrence with that idea.

"Yeah, you say that now," Harry responded to the redhead's enthusiastic reaction, a wide smirk creasing his face.

"But I think you might have a little different attitude after you've had your first class with her, and you're feeling like you're all muscle-strained and you're gonna puke your stomach out," he cautioned his friends with a grin.

"Anyway, if you want, I can show you some stuff you can do without a lot of training, right now…"


Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Headmistress' Office

"…so what you're telling us is that this Riddle character, who's now calling himself Lord Voldemort, used some really evil ritual to split pieces off his soul and used various artifacts made by the people who first set up this school as soul jars? And he did that because he believed that that would not only allow him to control the various aspects of elemental magic, but that it would make him immortal, too?" Willow asked Grindelwald's portrait, babbling at semi-high speed, with the incredulity in her voice clearly evident to everyone present in the chamber.

"Yes. That is exactly what I said," the former Headmaster's painted representation confirmed, the sneering arrogance in its response just as clear as the skepticism in the wiccan's previous statement.

"Even mudblood trash like yourself should be able to understand as simple an idea as that, even though you clearly can't comprehend even the most basic concepts underlying such an undertaking," the painting went on in a noticeably condescending and dismissive tone, blithely ignoring the angry expressions its words and attitude engendered among its audience.

"Godric Gryffindor is renowned among scholars for the expertise he displayed with fire magic, Rowena Ravenclaw for her affinity with air magic, Helga Hufflepuff for her earth magic and Salazar Slytherin for his proficiency with water magic," the portrait informed its listeners, "so, over the course of several years, Riddle eventually managed to secure the founders' legacies – Gryffindor's dagger, Ravenclaw's staff, Hufflepuff's amulet and Slytherin's chalice – which he then utilized as vessels to store fragments of his soul, thereby ensuring his immortality.

"Despite the fact that he then subsequently hid each of the artifacts in different locations, and warded each of them with traps and guardians which cause even the cleverest and most valiant wizards to quail, I managed to retrieve three of his horcruxes – Gryffindor's dagger, Slytherin's chalice, and Ravenclaw's staff," the former faux Headmaster's portrait boasted, a smug smirk on its painted face as it boasted of its accomplishments.

"So. Is this Volde-moron splitting his soul up and storing the pieces in these legacy thingies gonna cause us any major problems in dealing with this guy, Will?" Buffy interjected, a concerned frown on her face as they all considered the various implications of the information they'd just learned.

"Uh, no, I don't think so, Buffy," Willow shook her head in a negative, in response to her friend's question. "We'll just need to reintegrate all of the soul pieces back together before we confront him, so that we won't have to do it all over again, a couple years from now.

"I'll check things out with the rest of the coven, just to make sure that I'm not overlooking anything, but I don't think that's gonna be all that much of a problem," she noted thoughtfully. "I don't think that we'll even need to have all of the soul jars in our possession, to pull it off."

"Okay, that's good to hear, Wills, I hate having to kill the big bads twice," Xander smiled with relief after hearing the redhead's opinion regarding the difficulty involved, even as the Scoobies ignored the portrait's voluble and incensed protestations that any such effort they might contemplate was impossible.

"All right, then, Gelded," the Council's Director continued, turning to focus his full attention on the instigator of their son's kidnapping, "I've got just a couple more questions for you, and I'm stating up front that I want you to answer them as fully and completely as possible, and *without* any of your usual politician-type embellishments or hyperboles.

"First off, where did you store those three soul jars-horcrux things that you said this Riddle idiot made, after you got your mitts on 'em? And did you set up any sort of traps around them, to prevent other people from trying to take them from you?" Xander inquired.

"And second, what did you use to make your own horcrux, where do you have that hidden, and what sort of traps do you have guarding that?"


The End?

You have reached the end of "Prophecies? We Don't Need No Stinking Prophecies!" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 20 Feb 14.

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