Revenge of the Nerds
...when I was a student at Adams College. I was a Pi, or more precisely, a Pi Delta Pi. The Pi Delta Pis were, quite frankly, like Cordelia. The Pis were the core of the cheerleaders and the head cheerleader was always a Pi. The Homecoming Queen was a Pi. The football team dated Pis. To be a Pi was to be one of the most popular girls at Adams. Of course, it wasn't enough just to be a Pi, I wanted to be The Pi. I wanted to date the quarterback, who just happened to be an Alpha Beta. He was interested in one of my sorority sisters. I'm ashamed to say that in an attempt to out-do her, I went too far. There was only one person potentially more important to the football team than the quarterback and I did land him, if only briefly. When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted nothing more to do with me. Even back then, I wasn't really surprised. I knew that I was a liability that he couldn't afford. He did help me transfer to UCLA but that was as much for himself as it was for me. We never saw or contacted each other again. As time went on, I put him out of my mind.
It wasn't until we moved to Sunnydale that I thought your true parentage became an issue. For a time, I was worried that you might be interested in Xander. I did some checking and while the two of you are related, you only share a great-grandfather. I have given the relevant paperwork to my attorney if you chose to pursue this. I will warn you that your real father is not a particularly nice man and will not approve of your friends. As wonderful as Xander and Willow are, as far as he would be concerned, they are nerds. Truthfully, I don't think that you would like him.
Always remember that I love you,
- - -
The Scoobies, minus Giles, had gathered in the Summers living room where Buffy disclosed the contents of her mother's letter and the documents she had retrieved from the lawyer.
"Xander and Buffy," Willow stuttered. "Cousins?"
"Uh, huh. Kinda gives me the wiggins 'cause," Buffy said before grinding to a halt at Anya's glare.
Dawn missed the looks between her sister and the former vengeance demon. She was too busy figuring out what relationship she might have with Xander. After all, she could get lucky and he would see that she, not Anya, was his soulmate.
Xander, simple soul that he was, fixated on the one thing he could sort of understand. "My dad's cousin was a football coach?"
- - -
Author's note: Blame TwoBlackDragons for this one. He/she suggested Remington Steele, which brought to mind Moonlighting, which led me to Revenge of the Nerds and Coach Harris, played by John Goodman.