In the Back of Her Mind
Title: The Moonlight Series
Spoilers: thru Prom episode (just to be safe)
Disclaimer: I don't own the BtVS characters, Joss does, all bow before him. No copyright infringement intended, please don't sue.
Classification: BtVS/HL Willow/Spike, Faith/Angelus, W/S/F/A(us), Cordelia/Duncan
Distribution: Anyone who has my stuff. Anyone else who wants, take, just let me know where it’s going.
Previous parts are at: http://willsvamps.topcities.com/index.htm
Summary: Change can be a good thing, can set you free, make you happy, but Willow and Angel may need some help with the transition. They find it in some rather unlikely places.
Feedback: Please, please tell me what you think, makes me write faster (Is that a good thing?)
Part 1: In the Back of Her Mind
Willow. Shy, dependable, wussy, unnoticeable, innocent Willow. That was how everyone thought of her, and she was, quite honestly, sick and tired of it, tired of always being exactly what they thought of her, if for no other reason than it was what they thought, what they expected. She wanted to be something else, someone else, someone who acted how she wanted to, damn the consequences. She wanted to be spontaneous, and outgoing, to not think through every action she took before she took it. She wanted to do something unplanned, unexpected, just for the fun of it. She wanted to be well, like Faith. Or rather, like Faith had been before she killed that one guy.
The redhead didn’t hold out much hope for being any of those things, however. It just wasn’t allowed, or at least it wouldn’t be allowed, not from her. Not that she’d really tried, that is. Which was pretty much the problem in the first place. She hadn’t tried. Oh sure, she’d made slight mention of it back when her doppelgang look-a-like had shown up, but nothing had come of it, nothing had gotten better. In fact, they’d gotten worse, if only because she’d finally gotten a glimpse of how things could be, how she could be.
That vampire had been her, after all, had started out the same place she had been before Buffy had come and saved them all from the Master’s plans. That creature had been exactly who she would have been had the Master risen. The thought spun wildly through her head. She could have been that person who had stirred such feelings of jealousy within her. Had things gone differently, she could have been as confident and carefree, albeit evil, as her, counterpart. And as sexy of course, but not just run of the mill sexy, but the kind of sexy that seemed to only be possible when dressed head to toe in leather.
Willow had always wanted to wear leather, to wear skin-tight clothes, short skirts and tops, and boots; high boots. But she had always been too shy to even try on any of those things, too afraid that despite the sexiness of the clothing, she would still be the same mousy little nerd she’d always been. But now she knew better, she knew that she could look good in those types of clothes, she’d seen the proof with her own two eyes. And the fact that even knowing that as she did now, she still hadn’t been able to work up the courage to even so much as try on any of those things she’d wanted to wear drove her crazy. But then, she wasn’t surprised that it did.
Everything about her life had been getting on her nerves recently, after all. She felt as if everybody else treated her like she was unimportant and incompetent, except of course if they needed something looked up, or help with homework. And she was letting them, she was just sitting there and letting them treat her like shit. She hated that worst of all. She hated that she was ignoring what she felt, what she wanted. Selflessness was all well and good if you were looking to apply for sainthood, and it did, she knew, have a necessary place in the world, but there were limits. There were limits to what she could deal with, what she could put up with, and she had the feeling that those limits were looming awfully close. She just didn’t know what to do about it.
There weren’t exactly all that many options, after all. Everyone she knew saw her the same way, like a sheltered little girl who had to be protected from the big bad world. Even Oz had treated her like a weakling at times, at least he had before he’d broken up with her and went on tour with the band. It was as if he thought if he wasn't there to help and protect her she would fall apart.
It had been sweet at first, made her feel cherished and cared for, but after a while it just made her feel smothered. He wasn't even passionate with her, like it would just be too much for her handle. She didn’t want that, didn’t want to be coddled, didn’t want to be patted like a faithful old dog by the hands that should have been stroking her with like a lover. She wanted a guy to treat her like she was strong, and capable of handling things for herself.
Of course that, like so many other things, just didn’t seem like a real possibility for her. She wasn’t someone who got treated like a sexy, independent woman, she was someone that got treated like an occasionally helpful but otherwise expendable little girl. And she had never once done a damn thing to stop it, though she wanted to, really wanted to. If only she could work up the courage to actually do it. If only she could make herself not feel so fucking scared of what might happen if she did.
Willow shook her head almost violently to try and free herself from the morose, and wholly unproductive thoughts plaguing her, instead rising from her lounging position and making her way over to her impressive bookcases in an attempt to divert her overactive mind.
What to read, what to read?
A smile pulled at her lips as she picked out one of her favorite spell books. Yes, that was exactly what she needed right now. A new spell would surely make her feel better, at least about her current melancholy, if not the problems causing it. There was just something about learning a new spell, or performing a new rite, that never failed to lift her spirits, and her new ‘hobby’ had proved very useful more than once for fighting evil, but it was more than just useful to her.
She didn't know when exactly she had become aware that the Wiccan faith was the one she wanted to follow, or when her parent's god had ceased to be her own. A year ago she hadn’t even known Wicca was a religion; much less that the worshiping of the God and Goddess would make her feel more complete. But it did. When she had first read about the pagan faith it had been like she was coming home. And it felt much the same as she studied the text before her, her mind becoming lost in the runes and verses, their beauty and cadence pushing away the self-pity and frustration that had filled her head for what felt like forever. But it didn’t make it go away, for all the comfort the tome offered her, the problems were still there, in the back of her mind, building up on one another, piling up until there was no more room for them, and no where else for them to go, except out.
~:~:End Part 1:~:~