Title: Steaking Vampires
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Willow and Brevity is owned by Guy&Rodd.
Summary: Not everyone is meant to be a vampire hunter.
A.N. I saw this comic
and couldn't help myself.
"I'm sorry to wake you in the middle of the day, but we've been attacked by Vampire Hunters... Stupid ones."
"I'm human remember? I'm mostly up during the day anyway."
"Of course Miss Rosenberg. Would you mind coming over? Rinaldo has the two men cornered but they are very annoying."
"Sure, I'll just pop on over. Gimme a sec." Willow hung her phone up and moved to a side table to grab a small bag. Giving herself a once over in the mirror she popped out of the room leaving a wisp of smoke in her wake.
When Willow opened her eyes she was met by an annoyed vampire. "Hey Marcus. Oh, you have meat on," Willow frowned, tilting her head to the side, "in your shirt?"
Marcus scowled down at his chest and yanked the steak out with a sickly squelching noise. "The Hunters tried to stake us."
"With steak?" Willow was rather impressed that the Hunter had been able to put enough force in the staking with the steak. "Are they at least drunk?"
"It does not appear so," Marcus pushed a door open and led Willow inside the room, "You are Jewish, are you not Miss Rosenberg?"
"Well kinda, but what does," As Willow caught sight of the men she understood, "Oh! Well, I guess E for effort." Willow walked over to the two trench coat clad men and plucked the Star of David from the one man. "I get the whole religion thing, but this won't do diddly on a vampire. If this is real silver you could use it ninja star style on a werewolf I guess."
The blond waved his steak at Willow, "Are you a vampire?"
"No I'm a wi--human," Willow corrected, less telling them 'witch' gave them barbecuing ideas.
"Should I steak the other vampire?"
"No." Willow heaved her bag onto one of the coffins, "Ok, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Vampire Hunting 101. Don't. If you don't know how to do it and you aren't properly trained, then don't do it," Willow rooted around in the bag, "Vampires are killed by wooden stakes through the heart," She passed off a stake to one of the men, "Steaks, meat steaks don't do anything unless they're rare and bloody. And all that's going to do is make them more hungry," she continued pulling things out of the bag as she continued, "Holy water is a nice deterrent, burns vampires. I know toting around a cross isn't a very Jewishy thing to do, but they work on va--"
"Ha ha! Die vampire scum!" The man who'd been handed the stake sprung forward suddenly on the rather patient vampires who'd been hanging back while Willow had given her quick course on killing their kind.
Willow's hand slowly lowered from her gapping mouth. She blinked but...nope, pile of Rinaldo vampire ash was still there. Her eyes flickered quickly over to Marcus, before looking back at the two men.
The man wearing glasses looked at the wooden stake in his hand, "That made so much more sense." He turned to Willow, "Should I stake the other too?"
"No. No, we should be going," Willow caught sight of Marcus' vamped out face and grabbed onto the two men. "So sorry! Must be going!"
And within a blink of an eye the trio of unlikely pair of Vampire Hunters were gone.