: I do not own Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yada yada. Which is probably a good thing, considering what I'm about to do with them.
This fic is AU. In order to accommodate the premise, I have had to change certain aspects of the canon Buffyverse to “fit” with the Potterverse, and vice versa. To further add to the timeline mangling, assume the fic takes place in present day. So basically, canon does not live here, folks.
This is also a humor fic. It began life as a parody of bad crossovers and kind of turned into... well, what it is.
Pairings, since everyone knows crossover fics are all about the hooking up: Harry/Cordelia, Xander/Hermione.
Spoilers up to Buffy S2 and GoF. Bits and pieces of canon from later episodes/books might find their way in (mostly for humorous purposes), so if you're really that worried about spoilers, you might wanna watch out for that.
Chapter One Goodbye, Sunnydale. Hello, Hogwarts!
It was the beginning of a new year at the Sunnydale School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but two of its students would not be returning.
For Cordelia Chase, platform 9 ¾ at King's Cross definitely ranked among one of the last places in the world she'd have expected to be right now. Not to mention that the student accompanying her was most definitely one of the last people she'd have expected—or wanted—to be with.
It all began innocently enough last year, during the American Tri Wizard tournament. Sunnydale hosted this year's festivities, which included representatives from the Roswell, and Smallville schools. Unfortunately, the tournament did not pass without incident. Willow Rosenberg, the student chosen to represent Sunnydale, had almost sucked the entire town into the hellmouth when a spell went wrong. It took the slayer, her watcher, and a loyal group of friends—which had, ironically at the time, included Cordelia—to avert the apocalypse.
Needless to say, Sunnydale had not won the tournament.
The most unfortunate part of this whole affair, however, was that Cordelia was forced to spend excessive amounts of time in the presence of Xander Harris. It was bad enough he chose to keep company with the slayer, whom Cordelia had never been fond of, but it didn't help that he was a perpetual loser. He was Muggleborn, which in itself wasn't necessarily a bad thing—Cordelia was a half-blood herself--but his family wasn't even a respectable Muggle family. Going by what little she knew about them, they were poor, crass, and lived in the tawdriest section of town.
Cordelia, on the other hand, belonged to one of the most powerful and influential families in the American wizarding circuit. Her father was a wealthy and renowned wizard, and her mother, despite her muggle parentage, was a highly accomplished witch. Naturally, Cordelia was the queen bee at Sunnydale School, and her crowd was the nucleus around which the social life revolved. Over the years in Sunnydale, however, the strange and paranormal events that occurred on a near-daily basis had often forced her to—reluctantly—spend time with the slayer and her crowd.
That crowd included Xander Harris, the slayer's right-hand man and faithful lapdog. Heaven only knew what Cordelia had seen in him. But in spite of her better judgment, she noticed that he was kind of cute and endearing when he wanted to be, and although he had a propensity toward bad jokes at improper times, he was also brave and smart. He'd grown on her, kind of like a Chia pet. Still, lord only knew what prompted her to kiss him in a fit of blind insanity (although she found it necessary to reiterate that he made the first move). Must've been something about being in all those near-death situations together. Adrenaline and such.
They had dated briefly, but in the end, it had all gone wrong. Deep down, Cordelia had always known she'd never truly be first in Xander's heart, not as long as the slayer was around. Eventually, the knowledge had been too much for her to deny anymore, so she did the only thing she could in the name of self-preservation—she dumped him before he could dump her. Embittered, Xander had crawled back to Buffy, who ended up rejecting him, too. But Cordelia was too bitter herself to take much joy in that. She wasn't used to being second best. It really hurt, particularly since she wasn't used to caring as much for a boy as she had for Xander.
The blow that her social life had taken following this debacle, as well as her own heartbreak, made Sunnydale an unhappy place for her. So naturally, when an announcement was posted for next year's foreign exchange program, she jumped at the chance. Two Sunnydale students would be chosen to participate in an exchange with Beauxbatons School. Cordelia hadn't been to France for a while, and was more than happy to escape Sunnyhell to a far more pleasant destination.
However, Cordelia wasn't the only one trying to escape heartbreak. Xander had also signed up for the exchange program, still nursing his bruised ego following both Cordelia's and Buffy's rejections. He also hadn't realized how much he had come to care for Cordelia, which only made him feel that much more conflicted. A year away might do him good. Besides… hot French girls!
While both Cordelia and Xander had seen the other at meetings, neither had figured that of all the students at Sunnydale, the two of them would be chosen to go overseas together. Yet that was precisely what happened. Worse yet, there had been a last-minute change to the exchange program. Instead of going to Beauxbatons, Cordelia and Xander would be attending Hogwarts.
Cordelia had immediately gone to the overseer of the program and school librarian, Rupert Giles, to talk her way out of it. But he would hear none of it.
“You signed up, Cordelia. I can't replace you now. You need to learn that your actions have consequences,” Giles told her crisply.
“Giles, I am the ex-girlfriend of Xander Harris!” Cordelia exclaimed, aghast. “I have a black mark next to my name! No decent guy is gonna want to date me now. And on top of it all, I'm getting sent to moldy old England and the only school that could possibly have even weirder happenings than ours!”
Giles flinched a little at her statement, and Cordelia hastily added, “No offense or anything.”
“Cordelia, Hogwarts is a fine school,” the librarian argued. “You should be honored to spend a year there. I am.”
“I'm sure it's a great school, but… wait, hold up. Did you just say you
were going to be there?”
Giles, who had been cleaning his glasses, put them back on. “The headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is an old friend of mine. He has asked me if I would like the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and I have accepted. So yes, I will be there with you and Xander.”
Cordelia gaped at him for a moment before she replied. “But… what about Buffy? Aren't you like, her watcher and stuff?”
“Unfortunately, Buffy will have to remain in Sunnydale to fulfill her slayer duties,” Giles replied. “The Watchers' Council has sent a new watcher, Wesley Wyndam-Price, to assist her in my stead.”
Cordelia was still reeling from the news that not only would she end up exiled in England with Xander, but Giles would be there, too. Of all the slayerettes, she supposed she could tolerate Giles the most. Still… a year abroad with Xander Harris!
“Kill me now,” she declared.
The squeak of sneakers on the library's linoleum floor alerted her of the presence of another student. “Trust me, Cordelia, I was as pleased as you were to find out who I'd be stuck in Gilesland with.”
Giles scowled at him, but Xander just said casually, “Hey, Giles, what's up?”
“Giles is coming to Hogwarts with us,” Cordelia told him. “And he's not letting me out of it, so I highly doubt he's letting you out, too.”
“She's right about that,” Giles agreed.
Xander flopped down on the nearest chair, looking like a kid who'd just had his lunch money stolen. “Great. Exiled to the land of crumpets and funny accents and words with unnecessary ‘u's in them, with Cordelia Chase, to boot.”
Giles was beginning to look irritated. “I'll have you know that crumpets are quite delicious. You would probably like them.”
“Oh God….” Cordelia turned to Giles with wide eyes as a realization hit her. “They like, have snow there, don't they?”
“Yes, Cor, the white stuff that falls from the sky in winter,” Xander said slowly and precisely.
Cordelia shot him the stink eye before turning back to Giles. “I have to go shopping! I need new winter coats and boots. I have to call Harmony.” She had her cell phone out of her Burberry clutch before she had finished dashing out of the library.
Xander could only stare after her as Giles resumed the pressing task of cleaning his glasses for the umpteenth time since Cordelia stormed into his office.
“Hogwarts will not know what hit them,” Xander muttered, and for once Giles had to agree.
A/N: Yes, I know I violated canon by making Cordelia use an electronic device in a magical place. This is done for comedic purposes and hopefully will be forgiven by readers.