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One Night at the Warsaw

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Summary: Faith and Xander have a drink and take in the locals.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Drew Carey Show, TheTheaZaraFR1311,208041,4961 Apr 061 Apr 06Yes
One Night at the Warsaw


"What a night." Xander complained as he wiped slime off his jacket.  "I could really use a drink."

"Consider it done Xan-man, consider it done."  Faith said as she took a sharp right and screeched the small car into the parking lot of a pub called the Warsaw.  

The two of them had been working together on Cleveland's Hellmouth for a couple months now, and were just getting into a good working groove.  Faith figured a couple brewskies might help that along.  

She had more of a groove in mind than just co-working, however.  One eyed or not, Xan was still one prime piece of real estate that had been off the market for far far too long, thanks to those damned bringers taking out demon-girl.  

Her own real estate was back on the market again thanks to Wood's relocation to work on the merry old council.  Not that she blamed him.  She just didn't do the long distance thing very well, so they'd agreed to end it as friends.  

The inside of the tavern was almost cliche for a local bar.  Music spilled out of a much ignored jukebox, and several groups of working class stiffs were scattered around the bar's numerous tables.  There was at least a foot of buttcrack showing at the bar, and several empty pitchers and beer mugs sat on a tray on one end.

Xander, she noted, seemed to relax in the informal surroundings and she reminded herself of his construction/bluecollar days with a shrug before leading him to an empty table with a good view of the exits.  They ordered a pitcher of draft and were settling in when her demon senses kicked in... about half a second before Xan leaned in to murmer what sounded like 'harpsichord' in her ear followed by a nod towards the main entrance.

With a pretense of stretching she took a look at the newcomers to the bar.  A heavyset blonde who could give makeup tips to Tammy Faye was giving a trio of men a hard time.  She had a baby balanced on one shoulder of the  wildest colored dress Faith had ever seen.  Beside her stood a tall broad balding man who looked to be balancing his emotions between amused, indulgent, and embarrassed, while she railed at the three seated men.  

Xander's breath shot a tingle down her spine as he whispered in her ear, "Is it me or does the one with glasses put you to mind of Dilbert?"  

"Dill-who?" She asked shifting in her seat to keep the people in view without being obvious about staring.

"Never mind." He said putting an arm behind her to make his position look more like romancing than plotting.  

"So what's this harpsichord thing you mentioned, and why are we afraid of a musical instrument?"  Faith asked taking a sip of beer.

"The woman isn't a woman, she's a Harpycorral demon."  He corrected, as if that explained everything.  

"Yeah, ok, now how do I kill it?"  She asked subtly checking her weapons while reaching for a handful of peanuts.

"We don't.  They're a fully functional and non murderous part of society."  Xander said, before taking a drink of his own beer.

"Ok, I know you're Mr. Watcherman now, but how the hell do you know what kinda demon that is, and all about how we shouldn't kill it?"  Faith asked, more than a little concerned about pod people.  Everyone knew books and Xander just didn't get along, unless it was as a really hard pillow.

"Easy.  Me demon magnet.  She female demon.  After Willow did her freaky deaky 'my will be done' spell and turned me into a demon magnet I realized if it looks for male humans to mate with, odds were at some point I'd run across it, and eventually attract it.  So I made with the books and read up on demons who cross mate with humans.  That there is a grade C prime number one hit on the 'beings Xander must never date' list."

"Grade C?"  Faith asked, confused, but highly amused.

"Grade A is kill then mate.  Gotta hate the necrophilia.  Grade B is mate then kill, which my friend you almost qualified for at one point."  The warm grin he shot her took any sting out of his words before he continued.  "Grade C is mate then make the rest of your life a living hell, which I'd bet Deadboy would rate the Buffster."  Xander finished.  

"So, is the tall guy standing with her, her mate?"  Faith shifted a little, pressing back into Xander's outstretched arm, ostensably to get a better view, but in reality just enjoying the feel of his arm around her.

"Nah, here's the weird thing.  They enjoy making their mate suffer, in a totally non-kinky kinda way.  They never even have sex with the poor shmuck who's unlucky enough to be their one and only.  Apparently, they decided the fact that daddy despises mommy messed up the kids.  Gotta say I agree with that sentiment.  Props to Tony for 'helping' me see eye to eye with a demon, huh?"

"Anywho," he continued after a short pained frown, "they prefer to procreate with someone else in the mate's family line, they get a close match in DNA to their mate, and another thing to annoy them with in the bargain."

"So, you're saying blondie is the demoness, the kid is half demon, tall goofy and balding is the sperm donor... so who's the mate?"

"My guess would be Dilbert."

"So tell me again, why aren't I slaying her?"  Faith asked.

"I'd wager she's no more than half harpycorral, which means her kid is probably only a quarter demon, and needs it's mommy around.  Besides they're no more evil than tax collectors or lawyers, and unless they work for Wolfram & Hart, we don't slay those, so why slay her?"

"What about her poor mate.  Can't we do something?"

"You can't really chose your relatives, as we both know, and she's already family to the guy.  Besides, they mate for life.  Odds are anywhere on the planet he goes, she'd follow, just to screw with his life."  

Xander downed his beer, dropped a couple bucks on the table, then pulled her to her feet.  "Come on, lets get going.  I call dibs on the first shower; I need to wash off the rest of this slime."

Faith smirked as they headed towards the door,  "Xan, the only way you're getting in that shower first, is if you climb in with me, cause I got way more slime in my hair than you do."

Chills ran up her spine in all the right ways, when he muttered, "Sounds like a plan." as they walked towards the car.

Author's Notes:  Drew, Mimi, and whoever owns the Drew Carey Show are great (and clearly I don't own them) as are Joss and the Buffy / Angel crews.  (Again clearly I don't own them.. or there would be much naughty fun to be had not to mention several more seasons of each)  I realize there's not much plot here, just an idea my apparently addlebrained muse came up with on the fly. 

The End

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