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The Beginning Is The End

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Summary: Xander Harris makes a deal with The Powers That Be, and is sent back in time...but some changes are made...Gender-bending, Xan/Spike pairing but not for a while.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Romance > Spike/XanderLLNFR1871167,26642345361,5334 Apr 0616 Jul 10Yes

Stalled Feelings


Jessica sighed as she walked into the kitchen, it did not surprised her to see Ethan Rayne pinned to the kitchen table by her daughter. It was always unnerving when she saw Xander in her Primal form. Her daughter was, beautiful and terrifying this way. Ethan though seemed to take the girl's new appearance in stride. Leering at Xander in a way that would have upset Jessica if the man hadn't just rolled out of her and Rupert's bed.

"Xander you should really let Ethan up, if you want answers. I don't think that shade of purple is natural." Jessica said as she made her way over to the coffee pot. It was just too early for this...

"Not until he tells me!"

Jessica saw the smarmy grin cross Ethan's face as he said; "One would think you like me in this position."

Xander growled low, "You son of..."

"Now, shouldn't use such language in front of a lady like your mother."

Jessica saw Xander's hand tighten around the man's throat slightly.

"Xander, Rupert would be upset if you damage him." Jessica said as she pours a cup of coffee. "He so enjoys doing that himself..." Jessica took a sip of coffee and watched Xander comprehended just what she had said. That 'Eww' look took over her daughter's face, Jessica stifled a laugh as Xander quickly dropped the older man.

"I sooo did not need to know that!" Xander moaned.

Jessica just poured another cup of coffee and handed to Ethan, he thanked her for it. Xander hissed wordlessly as she threw herself into a chair and glared at them both.

"My dear girl, the chocolate, which I have to say was quite ingenious of me. Only lowers ones inhibitions. It does not make you do anything you normally wouldn't do." Ethan said.

"Great...just great," Xander said rubbing a hand over her face, "So normally I'm a slut." That statement caused Jessica to choke on her coffee and wondered what happened to Xander a couple nights ago. Xander ignored her mother and continued, "That's nice to know."

"If you were inclined..." Ethan at the girl's flashing otherworldly green eyes quickly went on with, " the chocolate does enhances any attraction you might have been suppressing. But if the feelings weren't already there..."

Lindsey...enough said about that subject. Did she really do a version of the Sexy Slayer dance?

Spike. Yeah, that's...Who knew he was that bendy?

Buffy, there was...okay Xander understood that too.

But ANGEL? Where the hell did that come from? Sure he was handsome in a dark and mysterious brooding sort of way...well, damn it.

Xander dropped her head on the table, the thud, made both adults at the table wince.

"Why can't I have an easy life?"


"Damn it, Spike!" Xander said shoving him away from her, ever since the thing with the chocolate, Spike had gotten a bit more that way. Xander still wasn't sure if...

"Oi!" Spike said from the floor living area of the mansion, "What is wrong with you?"

Xander straighten her clothes, "You're going to fast."

Spike gave the dark haired girl a disbelieving look. This was the same girl that had practically jumped him! "It fast? Pet, we've already had sex!"

"Which wouldn't have happen if it wasn't for bespelled chocolate!"

Spike sighed, "What do you want of me? Because I'm truly confused, you push me away and pull me back. And sometimes I don't know which your doing!"

Xander knew Spike wanted her, wanted sex and maybe even a real relationship. But Xander didn't know if that's what she wanted. All of her relationships started with rushing into sex. Her friendship with Spike was so much more important to her than the fleeting ideal of sex or love. Xander had never been too lucky with those, but the friendships she made those always seemed to last. Or least didn't kill those she cared about in the permanent sense. She could only shake her head and repeat, "It' s just too fast..."

Spike gave her a long look, "Too fast, huh?"

Xander tried not to flinch at the words. Xander knew she wasn't making any sense. But it was how she felt.

Spike shook his head and sighed, "I grew up during the Victorian Era, pet..." He paused at Xander's perplexed look, "I know the value of a long courtship."

It took a moment for Xander to get what Spike wasn't saying. He stood up and sat down on the sofa they had been sitting on before Xander had knocked him onto the floor. Slowly he reached for her hand, he stopped about halfway the sofa letting his hand drop on to the cushion.

"I can't do this by myself, Xan."

Looking at his hand, Xander realized this was Spike's way of saying he understood, that Xander wasn't ready for more yet. But he was asking for the right to convince her, to show her...Xander smiled as she reached out and took his hand, he smiled back at her. Xander would give anything to always see her vampire smile like that.

"This is nice." Xander told him.

Spike nodded leaning back against the sofa arm so he could look at her, "That it is, pet."

"But Spike," Xander paused, "I am a product of my time." Now it was Spike's turn to look perplexed. Xander grinned, boundaries now set, as she crawled into his lap, "I understand the value of a long make out session."

Spike didn't move.

"Do you?" Xander asked him.

Spike grinned as he kissed her.


Study Hall use to be Xander's favorite class, a chance to catch up on sleep, but not today it seemed. No, for the last few days people, (i.e. her friends) decided to enact World War Three. Cordelia and Willow were screaming at each other about some guy that Cordelia at the Bronze. From what Xander could tell both girls had been supposedly been flirting with. Amy and Jonathan were calling each other names...loudly. Faith and Oz weren't saying anything but the heat from their glares could have set fire to something. And Buffy wouldn't meet Xander's eyes.

Xander was pretty sure she had started this, by repeating what Ethan had told her about the chocolate, the day after it happened. When the class was finely, finely over Faith stormed out. Buffy followed shortly after giving Xander a glare. Willow was barely speaking to Cordelia. Jonathan had broken up with Amy and it wasn't looking too good for Oz either.

"Why can't I have a quiet life?" Xander muttered before leaving the classroom.


Xander walked into the library and duck the book that came flying at her head. Buffy stood in next to the bookshelf.

"Giles would not approve." Xander said.

Buffy just pulled another book from the shelf and threw it at Xander. That book struck a glance blow to her shoulder, "Oh, come on! Buffy it wasn't my fault!"

"Not your fault? Who gave me the chocolate!"?

"No one said you had to eat it! Were you supposed to be on a diet anyway?"

The next book hit Xander square in the middle of her forehead.


'Well never let it be said that Buffy couldn't hold a grudge,' Xander thought rubbing her forehead as she pushed open the door to the cafeteria.

An apple flew past her.

Glancing inside Xander saw that there was a full on food fight going on. Faith and Jonathan were the leaders, directing the other students at the enemy.

The enemy looked to be Amy and Oz.

Xander quickly closed the door when she saw that all four of them had seen her.


Xander thanked every god that she knew of that this day was over, as she walked into the library after school. A simple patrol awaited her, one she was going to make last a few hours because it was her mother's day off. She had thought the sex noise were disturbing before, now they honestly scared her.

Ethan was a screamer.

All of her friends were sitting at various tables, Xander started to turn around to leave when, "FREEZE CHOCOLATE PUSHER!" Cordelia voice rang out.
Xander closed her eyes as she thought, 'This can only end in tears.'


After Cordelia got through yelling at Xander about how it had all been her fault and that Xander was never allowed to give them any chocolate or candy related items. Xander had been right. There had been tears. Jonathan had decided that he could no longer be part of a relationship with Oz and Amy after what they had said to him. To which Xander never did find out exactly just what was said. But it must have been bad.

Amy and Oz were just trying to figure out if they wanted to be together or not without Jonathan. Xander didn't think they would. Faith was speaking to Jonathan in a low reassuring tone. That friendship had popped up surprisely fast or perhaps Xander just hadn't noticed it. Come to think of it. Jonathan did go on patrol a lot with Faith so maybe it shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

Buffy tried to throw another book at Xander's head.


"OKAY!" Xander shouted at Buffy that night on patrol. She staked a minion that was growling at her. Xander and Spike had met up with Buffy and Angel. And not long after had got jumped by a pack of minions lead by a fledge. "I'm sorry I gave you the chocolate!"

"It's a little late to be sorry!" Buffy said as she punched a nearby vampire in the face.

"I vote we don't talk about it at all and forget it ever happened." Angel muttered as he slammed his foot into a minion's stomach.

"I second that vote!" Xander shouted before she got knocked to the ground by the fledge leading the minions.

Buffy nodded her agreement as she staked the fledge that hit Xander.

Spike just shook his head at the antic of the others as he muttered, "Pathetic, you lot are. Trying to forget a night like that."

Xander just grinned.


Spike had Xander pinned to the couch. This was the best part of their make out sessions. When he got the girl to surrender to him a bit, to touch and kiss her. To let Spike show Xander the passion he held for her. Spike was working his hand up under Xander's tee shirt when the front door to the mansion slammed open. The Slayer's high-pitched voice screeched into the room.


Spike dropped his head into the space where Xander's shoulder and neck met he letting out a sigh of, "Can I please kill her?"

Xander chuckled softly as she gently pushed Spike off her, "Unhappily? No."

"BUFFY! YOU KNOW HOW IT HAS TO BE! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS HARDER!?" Angel shouted as he walked into the room.


"BUFFY I'M NOT LEAVING YOU...just the situation." Angel ended on a whisper.

Xander puffed out an irate groan, "I'm going on patrol. I don't want to hear this." She got up and walked out of the room. Spike cursed the other two in the room for ruining what had been the start of a promising night.

"You know what you're problem is?" Spike said getting the attention of Buffy and Angel.

Angel sighed, "No, but you're going to tell us aren't you."

"Whether we want to hear it or not." Buffy muttered.

Spike stood up and walked over to them, "It's all kill me, love me with you two. Even after what you have put each other through and the googly-eyes are just sickening. Makes me want to heave, it does."

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked with a glare.

"We are trying to make sure we stay friends." Angel said at the same time.

"Friends?" Spike said with a harsh laugh, "No, children, you desire it too much. Not like you could forget that moments of passion that happened a few days ago."

Angel made a face, "I thought we agreed not to mention that."

"We did. And Xander seconded the vote." Buffy muttered.

"You're *not * friends! You never can be. You'll be in love until it kills you both. No matter how many lovers you take in order to forget each other. It will always be there just under your skin when you meet. You'll fight, you'll fuck and you * will * hate each other for it. But you'll never be friends," Spike pointed to his temple, "Love's not about brains, pets, it's about blood...always and forever about the blood. You can never forget that," He clasped a hand over his heart, "It screams inside you working its will."

Both Buffy and Angel shift uncomfortablely at Spike's words.

"I'm love's bitch. That's all any of us are. I've leaned to live with that truth."

Buffy and Angel turned away from Spike and each other.

"So will you in the end." Spike told them as he then turned and walked out of the room. He had done all he could to make them understand. That some relationships, some people could never end with any thing so benign as friendship.


Author's Note: this will be the last chapter of this Book.
Why? Because it got so long. And Two the crossovers begin. This story was always meant to be
a crossover. I just couldn't start them until season three of Buffy.
The New story is called 'The Beginning is the' .

The End

You have reached the end of "The Beginning Is The End". This story is complete.

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