Disclaimer: I don’t own either BtVS or South Park.
BtVS: Post Chosen
South Park: Anytime after season six
Chaos Comes in All Sizes
“What am I doing here again?” Ethan Rayne muttered under his breath, nursing his second ‘beer.’ “Oh yes, revenge.”
He had been searching this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, one-horse, inbred, white-trash, mountain town for almost an entire day and he had nothing to show for it. He had thought the people of Sunnydale were utterly clueless about the world. But after talking with several of this town’s residents he had come to the conclusion that they collectively brought down average IQ of the US by at least 30 points.
He was starting to think this entire expedition was a complete waste of time.
Even the beer in this town was below the usual quality of piss that American’s had the audacity to call beer.
Ethan had come in search of revenge. Three years he had been a ‘guest’ of the US government before he finally concocted a means to escape. Three years he had been forced to live a regulated schedule with every day planned down to the minute. For a worshipper of Chaos it was as close to hell as one could get on Earth.
Ripper was going to pay. Him and his Slayer.
Unfortunately things changed during the years of his confinement. Standing between Ethan and his targets were literally hundreds of Slayers. Not to mention that Rosenberg had grown into quite the powerful mage. A few of the people he approached for aid ran for the hills the moment they learned his plot crossed the path of both the Prime Slayer and the Red Witch.
He needed to find something to give him an edge. So he cast a spell to locate the most powerful force for Chaos in the world. Someone who destroyed everything around them. Whose very presence brought death and destruction. A person whose brilliance could penetrate the powerful defenses protecting good old Ripper and his charge.
For some inexplicable reason the spell had led him to South Park, Colorado. After his experience in Sunnydale, Ethan was well aware that dangerous things often lurked beneath the quietest surface. But the idea that the most powerful force for Chaos lived in this town was unbelievable.
“Barkeep,” Ethan said. “I’ll have another pint.”
“HEY!” came a voice from the far end of the bar. “You got a funny accent. You come from one of them foreign countries?”
Ethan raised his eyebrow at the man seated between two of his friends. “Well if you must know old mate,” Ethan replied with a smear. “I’m from England, where they actually know how to produce a decent ale. As apposed to this bat piss you inflict upon each other.”
“England huh,” the man said rising from his seat. “That makes you one of them foreign type people. We don’t take kindly to foreign type people around here.”
“Now Skeeter,” the bartender said. “We don’t need no trouble. The man’s just having a beer.”
Ethan began whispering in a strange tongue under his breath as ‘Skeeter’ started to walk towards him.
“Well I just want to have a talk with this here foreign type person,” Skeeter said. “Cause we don’t take ki … owww!”
A barstool fell over banging Skeeter’s knee and smashing his toe. His arms shot out to in an effort to reclaim his balance causing his beer to splash all over two men seated at a nearby table.
Ethan heard the sounds of wiring shorting out and saw a puff of smoke rise from a small device on the table.
“God damn it Skeeter!” one of the men seated at the table shouted. He was wearing a hunting outfit and looked none to pleased. “That was Ned’s last voice box. It’ll take us weeks to get a new one.”
“Wasn’t my fault Jimbo,” Skeeter said. As he turned to face Jimbo, Skeeter knocked over another stool that struck one of his friends right between the legs causing more flaying arms and spilled beer. Jimbo tired to get up but somehow tipped the table over knocking Ned into the group behind them.
Ethan smiled and downed the last of the ‘beer.’ Rising from his stool Ethan made his way around the rapidly expanding pile of falling bodies, spilled beer and broken furniture.
As he exited the bar his mood was slightly improved. Just a little spell that made people clumsy and he was rewarded with a nice bit of chaos.
Still, he was no closer to finding his goal.
The sky was dark and the night air was cold. Ethan decided to take a random path around the town. When seeking Chaos sometimes one had to wander and Chaos found you.
Walking down a street lined with nearly identical looking houses Ethan was confronted with perhaps the strangest sight he had ever seen (and he’d seen quite a few strange sights).
A little boy, perhaps eight or nine, wearing a bizarre tinfoil hat, tinfoil bracelets and, of all things, a cape, was dragging several doormats down the street. The boy was muttering to himself.
“Everyone will be so shocked in the morning,” he said. “Yes. Instead of seeing ‘good day’ on their doormat, it will say ‘welcome.’ Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ah ha-aha! The chaos it will bring. Ah-ha-ha!”
Ethan blinked. Did that boy just say he was bringing Chaos by swapping people’s doormats? What the hell?
“No, it can’t be,” Ethan whispered. He was certain he’d cast spell correctly.
Ethan quickened his pace and walked up behind the child.
“Excuse me young man,” Ethan said.
The doormats flopped to the street as the boy let go and whirled around.
“Who dares interrupt Professor Chaos!?” he shouted.
“’Professor Chaos?’” Ethan repeated. “And just who exactly is ‘Professor Chaos?’”
The boy seemed to stand just a little taller. “No one accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who found no companionship. No love from others. I don’t do what others tell me to do. I am sick of this world and the stinky people in it! I dedicate my life to bringing Chaos to the world that rejected me! I have become the greatest supervillain the world has ever seen! Where I go, destruction follows! I am Professor Chaos!”
This was what the spell led him too. A delusional little boy.
“Ah, mister,” the boy said deflating and looking down at the sidewalk. “You’re not gonna tell on me, are you? Cause my parents would get real sore if they found out I was out moving doormats all night. Why they’d ground me for sure.”
“Bloody hell,” Ethan muttered. He just shook his head looking at the child. Still, the boy was a worshipper of Chaos. “No Professor. I will not tell on you. I too worship Chaos.” Ethan spoke with commanding voice. “Go forth Professor Chaos. Bring destruction to the wretched souls of this place. Show them the true power of Chaos.”
The boy smiled. “Thanks mister.” He reached down grabbing the doormats and resumed dragging them down the street.
Turning and walking back to his car Ethan muttered under his breath. “Bugger the cost, that’s the last time I substitute salamander for newt eyes.”
A/N 1 – A portion of Butters dialogue was borrowed from episode 606 “Professor Chaos.”
A/N 2 – Ethan’s opinion of South Park in the second paragraph is a shortened version of the lyrics from “Mountain Town” from “South Park: Bigger Longer Uncut”
A/N 3 – Yes I know. I need help.
A/N 4 – Lots and lots of help.