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I'm a big bad vampire I am.

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Summary: Answer to the Mommy Anita Challenge, After the collapse of sunnydale the PTB

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > Spike-CenteredIllusiaFR1332,86753512,50115 Jun 0630 Jun 06No

Chapter One

This is a response to the Mommy Anita Challenge by Littleoldme, I own nothing and am just writing this for fun and the awwww factor.

Set at the end of Buffy (before the last series of angel) and at the end of book four of Anita Blake. There’s lots of repetition but only because the Anita characters aren’t really listening.

Anita paced the living room, this evening would be the first of her dates with Jean Claude… Needless to say she was a little nervous, and Richard hadn’t helped, playing the jealous boyfriend all day. She hadn’t been able to relax and enjoy their picnic properly because he was avoiding mentioning Jean-Claude’s name so obviously. She hated the new arrangement, well apart from that small twisted part of her that was rather looking forward to the date. Suddenly something pounced on her from behind, instinctively she threw it across the room, quite surprised that it was light enough to do so.

Spike had arrived here a few minutes before, and he didn’t know where he was, but the lady looked so worried, and she didn’t see him so he just HAD to jump on her, he hadn’t really thought about the consequences.

“Owie!!!” Anita rushed over to the four year old boy, how the hell had he gotten into her flat? And more importantly was he ok? Fortunately he’d landed mostly on the penguin collection but he’d bumped his elbow on the wall and grazed it, he sniffled slightly as she looked at it, it was healing in front of her eyes… It was at that point she heard a knock at the door.

“Is everything alright ma petite? I hear crying?”

“I’m not crying, I’m the big bad, I’m a bloody vampire!” Spike shouted running to the door and standing on tip toes to reach the door knob, Anita was right behind him to undo the locks higher up.

“A vampire indeed? Are you sure everything’s alright?” He sounded amused, as the door swung open to reveal the blonde four year old.


“Ma petite?”

“He showed up just now.”

“I’m a scary vampire I am!” Spike was annoyed they were talking over his head so he started climbing onto a chair.

“What’s your name?”

“Spike! Cos of the railroad spikes.” He grinned.

“We will be late to the theatre at this rate, surely your friends at the Police force can take care of him? Or ton Lupe?”

“Stop saying those funny words, Bloody French!” He leapt at Jean-Claude’s throat only to be caught and put back on the chair.

“I’ll call Dolph, keep an eye on him for a minute.” Anita sighed. “And play nice, both of you, no biting.”

“Awwwwww, but I like biting people, I’m the big bad!”

“Very well Ma Petite. So Petit Clou what shall we discuss? Perhaps you can tell me what you have to do with railroad spikes?”

“I used to use them to torture people when I was a really evil vampire, I don’t torture people anymore but I’m still evil grrrrrrrr.”

“Torture people? Clouer les membrure… il a potentiel….”

“I said stop speaking funny!” Spike hit Jean-Claude on the arm and stood on the chair so they were almost the same height.

“My apologies Petit Clou.”

“What did you call me? Bloody poncy vampires, you’re just like Dracula you know? He still owes me money too.”

“Petit Clou, it means little spike.”

“I’m not little, I’m the big bad!”

“As you have repeatedly said. But I am a real vampire, and you Petit Clou are not.”

“Am too.”

“Are not.”

“Am too!”

“Are not.”

“AM TOO!!!” Spike felt his face transform, and grinned at the shocked expression on Jean-Claude’s face. “Grrrrrr!”

“Ma Petite, there is something you should see, Ton Petit Clou is some form of shifter.”

“Bloody Poncy Vampire goes running for mommy! Score one for the big bad!”

“I am not poncy! And Anita c’est ne pas ma mere!”

“Can’t argue with me in English so you have to use bloody French!” Spike decided to speak the next bit slowly, enunciating for emphasis. “Bloody Poncy French Wanker Toss Pot!”

“What have you been teaching him?” Anita came back into the room, Spike had reverted to looking the innocent four year old again. “I leave you two alone for two minutes while I call Dolph and I come back to find him swearing!”

“It was not me Ma Petite, he knew these words already. I do not believe Ton Petit Clou is an ordinary child.”

“Of course not I’m a BLOODY VAMPIRE!!!” Spike shouted at the top of his voice. “How many times do I have to tell you two, I’m bad, EVIL, I’m a blood sucking fiend!” The last bit came out half whine.

“I think someone’s getting a bit over excited. Perhaps you need a nap.”

“I don’t need to sleep, it’s only just night time!” Anita picked him up anyway and carried him into the bedroom. “I’m a vampire, I sleep during the daytime, in a crypt!”

“I don’t know many vampires who sleep in crypts, they tend to prefer fancier places to stay.” Anita tucked him in firmly despite his protests.

“Betcha that French tosser lives in a pink room. Full of silk and stuff.”

“Actually he tends to go for black and white. Now if you promise to behave I’ll let you borrow one of my penguins, if you’re really good I’ll let you borrow Sigmund, he’s my favourite.”

“I’m nearly five, I don’t need a teddy, and I don’t need a nap!”

“Well… what if Sigmund needs a nap and he needs a person to sleep with? Maybe it isn’t only people who need teddies, maybe teddies need people?” Spike yawned.

“Well… alright, but only ‘cause Sigmund needs a nap.” She handed him the stuffed penguin.

“It’s ok Sigmund, I’m a big bad vampire but I won’t hurt you. I don’t eat teddies.”

AN: No offence to the French, but Spike is heavily British, so he would use it as an insult if he dislikes someone, even if he doesn’t particularly dislike the French in general. Oh and the various French phrases are all relatively simple, Ton Lupe = your wolf, Clouer les membrure… il a potentiel = nail down the limbs… it has potential, etc… Please feel free to comment (I really appreciate them), but my speed of writing is mostly based on the fickle muses, who while encouraged by comments sometimes simply go on strike for the fun of it. Like I said I’ll appreciate comments, but it doesn’t guarantee speed of the next chapter getting written.
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