: Xander and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox. Clerks
is the property of Kevin Smith, his production company and distributors. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit will be made.Not-The-Author’s Note:
I did not write this. My brother did. Some day, he’s going to get tired of waiting for me to post his stuff and get his own frickin’ account. That day, however, is not today. This is his eleventh Xander crossover. The previous ten are:
1. Don’t Lose Your Head (Xander/Highlander)
2. Medium-Sized Trouble in Little China (Xander/Big Trouble in Little China)
3. Loose Dead Ends (Xander/Dead Last)
4. Car Shopping (Xander/Herbie)
5. An unCharmed Life (Xander/Charmed)
6. Vegas Vacation (Xander/CSI)
7. From Beneath You, It Devours (Xander/Tremors)
8. Slayer Development (Xander/Arrested Development)
9. Buy Hard (Xander/Evil Dead)
10. Gate Crashing (Xander/Stargate)The Customer Is Always Wrong
Xander pulled into the parking lot of the Quick Stop, parked, and got out of his Humvee.God, I feel like crap. I hope I'm not coming down with a cold. I better grab some orange juice and DayQuil here.
As Xander got out, he watched as a blond skinny man verbally harassed people on the sidewalk, while a portly bearded man stood by silently.Great. A couple of dealers hanging out front. Just pop in, grab the cold medicine, buy it, and take off. I don't want to hang out here any more than I have to.
Xander entered the QuickStop, and looked around. He turned to the clerk at he register.
“Where are the cold supplies at?”
“Second aisle on the left.” The clerk turned back to his friend. “No way Jedi is better than Sith. Sith had Palpatine orchestrating a cunning plan, destroying the Jedi, and seizing power. Jedi had ewoks. Case closed.”
“Sith had Jar Jar. Case reopened.” the friend countered.Arguing about Star Wars movies. I remember my days of crap jobs discussing sci fi. Glad I've grown up since then. No way I could waste time doing that nowadays.Half an hour later....
Xander stood before the two men, ranting. “Of course Babylon 5 is better. It's a proven fact that Deep Space 9 was rip off of it.”
“A rip off that appeared a year before Babylon 5.” Randal pointed out.
“There was a proposal that was sent around for years!” Xander yelled. “Besides, Stracynski had a five year plan. DS9 made it up as it went along.”
“Right. So the changing of the lead actor after the first year, the rushing of the Earth rebellion plot, the change of second in command in the last year, those were all part of the five year plan.”
Dante spoke up. “I'd just like to point out that the writers of DS9 went on to make the 4400, Battlestar Galactica, and other shows. JMS went on to write some mediocre comics.”
Xander threw up his hands. “I just can't reason with you two.”One hour later…
“I'm telling you, the ultimate snack is the Cheeto.” Randal declared.
Xander shook his head. “You poor misguided fool. Nothing is above the Twinkie.”
Randal scoffed. “The Twinkie is a misbegotten hybrid of sponge cake and whipped cream. The Cheeto is a carefully designed snack that delivers a zesty cheese flavor with the starchy goodness of the chip. Plus, you can snack all day on Cheetos. Anyone who eats more than two Twinkies at a time is courting a heart attack.”
“Let's look at the shelf life.” Xander countered. “Cheetos go stale. Twinkies can survive nuclear war. Plus creamy white goodness.”
Dante interrupted. “Look, you guys can go back and forth all day. But there is one fatal drawback of Cheetos. The cheesy finger syndrome.”
Randal hung his head in defeat. “Stupid cheesy fingers.” Two hours later…
“So...” Dante began. “Clowns?”
“Evil.” Xander stated.
“Evil.” Randal agreed.
“Evil.” Dante finished.45 minutes later…
Dante paced back and forth behind the counter.
“Batman is way better than Superman. Superman is some boring Boy Scout with unlimited powers. There's never any suspense on whether he'll win or not. Plus, who would you rather bang, Lois Lane or Catwoman?” Dante said.
“Batman is so overrated.” Randal said. “He's supposed to be the total badass, cause he has no powers. But he's got like a bajillion dollars, an arsenal of weapons, vehicles, and equipment, and a manservant. If I had those I could fight crime too. And I would have the guts to kill the Joker. Seriously, the Joker breaks out of Arkham, kills a few dozen people until Batman catches him and sends him back to Arkham. Then six months later, he does it all again. Batman is a chump. End of story.”
“It's called a moral code. Some people have them.” Dante replied.
“Like Superman. Dude could rule the planet if he wanted to. Instead he fights crime, saves innocents, and averts the occasional natural disaster. Just cause it's the right thing to do. Makes him a better hero than Bat 'My Parents Were Killed When I Was Ten, So I use My Inheritance To Dress Up And Beat Up Criminals' Man.”
Dante looked at Xander. “We're going to need a ruling here.”
Xander thought. “This is a tough one. Batman is a regular human taking up the fight. And he does work with other people. But then he pulls the whole 'Oh, I'm so dark and conflicted. Let me sit here and brood, and oh yeah, attract all the hot women.'
“Superman is fighting the good fight, just because he knows it's the right thing to do. And he didn't abuse his powers, then go on about how he's fighting for redemption. On the other hand, he probably wouldn't be fighting crime if he didn't have powers. And he's supposed to be friends with Jimmy Olsen and Perry White, but he's never told them the truth about his powers. Not cool.”An hour and a half later…
Dante looked at Xander. “So, what's up with the eyepatch.”
Xander shrugged. “Peer pressure. All the cool kids are wearing them. You guys got a bathroom here?”
“To the left, then straight back.” Dante answered.
As Xander departed, Dante glanced to Randal. “Eyepatches are in fashion now? I would never wear one.”
“Smart choice. You'd look ridiculous.” Randal said. “I could pull it off though.”
“Why can you pull it off and I can't?”
“I don't know. I guess I just have more off a swashbuckler vibe going for me.”
“I could totally pull off an eyepatch.” Dante protested.
“No. But don't get upset. There are plenty of looks you can do, I can't.” Randal explained.
Randal thought as he looked at himself in a mirror, covering up one eye. “Um... bow tie. I could never do a bow tie.”
Xander stumbled into the bathroom. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked in the mirror.Jesus. I'm burning up. Better splash some cold water on my face.
Xander reached toward the faucet, but his hand began to tremble.Aw, crap.
Xander's vision blurred, and then he fell to the floor.
“Wait a minute, you're getting all the cool stuff.” Dante complained.
“Sorry. I'm a spring.” Randal replied.
“So I can wear a bow tie, sweater tied around my shoulders, zoot suit, or pork pie hat.” Dante listed.
“While you get eye patch, cloak, Miami Vice pastel suit, or fedora.”
“I don't make the rules of fashion.” Randal said. “But the fact is that certain people can only wear certain styles, or else they look ridiculous. I'm only trying to help you here, buddy.”
Dante shook his head. “You're just claiming all the cool stuff for yourself. I am so buying a fedora this weekend.”
“Whatever. I gotta get back to the store. This break is about over.”
“Has it been six hours already?”
“Funny. Say, that guy's been in the bathroom awhile.” Randal headed to the bathroom.
“Randal, you really need to stop breaking into the restroom when customers are in there. We've been getting complaints.”
Randal pushed the door open and glanced inside. He quickly turned back to Dante. “Um... I think the customer died in here.”
Dante sighed. “Not another one.”To be continued in House Calls…