Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Any character from any of Tim Dorsey’s novels. Especially Serge A. Storms
(first novel in Tim Dorsey's series is called Torpedo Juice)
The car that had pulled into Sunnydale’s city limits had seen better days. It had also survived more psychotic ones than an escaped mental patient on acid. All thanks to its driver.
“Hey Serge? Where are we?” Coleman asked.
Serge A. Storms blinked blearily at the road map. “I could’ve sworn this was Nashville.”
“I thought we were in California.”
Serge stared for a second. “Oh yeah.” Then he tossed the map out the window.
Coleman sighed and lit another joint.
Serge grinned and took off down the road. “Now, where was that store anyway?”
”The magic shop, what else.”
Coleman blinked as they zoomed past two people in scruffy clothes who yelled at them after leaping out of the way. Were those sharp teeth? Then he shook his head. “Why?”
“They have an authentic prop from the Godfather for sale.”
“In a magic shop?”
Serge shrugged. “Could be worse.”
“Magic could be real.”
They continued to drive.
“Are you sure you know where we’re going?”
”Of course.” Serge said. Then he stopped the car. “What’s that?”
“What’s what?” Coleman looked around.
“Some guy just dragged a woman into the alley. And he did it all wrong.” Serge took the crowbar from the backseat and got out. Then he ran toward where the figures had disappeared.
Coleman groaned and got out. “How much caffeine did you have at the last stop?” He yelled.
Serge ran in and found the person bending over the woman’s neck. It was biting her.
“No, No, No!” Serge yelled.
The figure turned and snarled.
“You’ve got it all wrong.” Serge started to explain then noticed the ridges. “Oooh, nice costume. But it doesn’t look anything like a vampire. You really need to work on the image.”
Coleman walked into the alleyway, and watched it all.
The vampire snarled and leaped toward him.
“Oh come on.” Serge said as he grabbed the vampire in a chokehold “That’s so cliché.”
The woman stood up slowly then ran out of the alley screaming.
“Where are you going? We still haven’t gotten to the dramatic climax!”
The vampire shrugged Serge off and started toward him. Then it flew back when a crowbar hit him on the head.
Serge wiped his hands and started to walk away.
“He’s still moving.”
Serge blinked and turned around. Then he cocked his head at the creature. “Who dressed you?”
The vampire snarled and leaped again.
Serge sighed and dodged the attack. Then he hit the vampire with the crowbar again. “Stay down.” It leaped up.
Coleman pulled out a gun and shot it.
Serge blinked as the vampire slowly started to get up again. “Where’d you get that?”
“I can’t remember.”
Serge shrugged and backhanded the vampire into a wall. It snarled and came forward again.
“I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way.”
Five minutes later the vampire was finally unconscious.
Serge looked down at the twitching creature. “Well. He is tough. I haven’t seen that many people survive being hit with a crowbar, gun, trashcan, squalling cat…” He stared down at the furious animal that had its claws clamped between the vampire’s legs.
“That was nice driving by the way, Coleman. Put him down long enough for the cat to get angry.”
“Now then, what shall we do?” Serge asked as he tied up the vampire and slung it over his shoulder.
Coleman shook his head. “Didn’t we pass a hotel?”
The alley cat purred as it followed them to their car.
Charlie blinked at the two individuals who walked in.
”I tell you Coleman. This place has to have had a few movies in it. Just look at the front of this hotel. It’s old, run-down, and it’s the only place in town. That just speaks horror.”
The man standing beside the one who had spoken just nodded and petted the cat in his arms with a vacant look in his eyes.
“Can I help you?” Charlie asked.
The speaker blinked. “Do you have any laxatives?”
Charlie opened his mouth then shut it.
The man called Coleman spoke up. “I think he meant do you want a room.”
“Oh. Sure. Give me one.”
Charlie handed the key over. Then he watched the two as they went out the door and dragged something from the trunk.
“What did you want the laxatives for anyway?” Coleman asked as they headed out of sight.
“What else? I want to run more tests.”
Charlie went to the door and locked it. Then he hung a CLOSED sign on it. After that, he lay down behind the desk.
Fifteen minutes later the door opened.
“Hey man…” Coleman mumbled.
Charlie stood up from the floor and stared. “How’d you do that?”
“Unlock the door?”
Coleman scratched his head. “I don’t know. How did I?”
”Oh yeah. Do you have any beer and cat food?”
Charlie blinked and walked to the refrigerator. “I’ve got a couple 6 packs and some sausage.”
Charlie nodded and handed it over. “Can you get it to the room?”
Then Coleman walked out locking the door behind him.
Charlie took out the one remaining can and opened it up to drink.
Then Serge kicked the door in, leaving the lock dangling. He paused.
“What did you just spit on me?” Serge blinked at the shocked man. “Never mind. Do you have any duct tape, electrical wire, rum, and a hammer?”
Charlie ran past him and down the street. He screamed the whole way.
“Was it something I said?!”
Buffy sighed as she walked through town with Willow. It was one of the rare slow nights, and she really wanted to let loose some stress.
“Well.” Willow said. “Look on the bright side.”
“The vampires are off the streets?”
Buffy snorted. “Try again.”
“Xander’s at home for once instead of out here risking his life with the rest of us?”
She paused. “Doesn’t work. Next?”
“People aren’t running in….”
They both stared as a man ran by while screaming.
“I just had to say it didn’t I?”
Buffy groaned. “Wasn’t that Charlie from the hotel?”
“You know him?”
“I thought you helped him put protections around it.”
Willow grinned. “I forgot.”
“You and Tara are spending a lot of time together.”