Just a small oneshot, I suddenly got inspired to write. Crossover with the X-men movieverse. Timeset after Chosen and the first X-men movie.
Disclaimer: I own neither Buffy the Vampire Slayer nor the X-men.
It Will Be All Right
Buffy couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She felt as if she was suffocating, her breath catching in her throat. The tears she had tried to keep from coming were flowing down her cheeks like small crystal rivers and they felt endless. Her heart was aching so bad that the pain of it seemed to be burrowing a big deep hole in her very soul. She felt like dying, though she knew that the peace she had been robbed of once all ready, wouldn’t be given her again anytime soon.
She ached to have that eternal bliss and happiness again. She ached to have her mother’s arms around her and making her feel like all was good in the world after all. She missed Giles’ gentle smile and assuring eyes that things would get better and he would be there to stand beside her; Dawn’s merry chatter and happy grin and even her annoying whining; Willow’s nervous babbling and her excitement over new magics she just discovered and their close friendship; Xander’s jokes and sarcasm, his loalty and love. She missed Spike, his beautiful blue eyes and that cocky smirk he would always wear on his lips. She mourned over the fact that the souled vampire hadn’t believed her confession of love for him. Mourned that she realised the thruth about her feelings too late.
Buffy sobbed, her heart breaking. She just wanted to lay down on her bed and fall asleep and never wake up again. But she couldn’t, because whenever she tried to sleep she would see them. And the misery and saddness she felt would increase tenfold.
She released an anguished scream from her sore throat. She let her sorrow and anger out in that
expression of agony, letting the world know how terribly empty and hollow she felt.
As she continued screaming and sobbing she suddenly felt strong, masculine arms around her petite frame, drawing her against hard, muscular chest and holding her there securely. One big hand was making shooting motions against her back, one was layed on her head, stroking her hair gently. She could hear gentle murmurs coming from the person holding her, quiet words of consoling just reaching her hearing over the loud sound of blood bumbing in her ears. She threw her own arms around the man’s chest, desperately clinging to her only solace from where she could find any kind of release for her pain. Her face now pressed on the soft cotton shirt that covered man’s chest she continued to sob her heart out.
Logan held the tired Slayer tightly in his arms and let her release her sorrow. It was the only way she could ever even begin to heal, she had to be able to deal with her pain. Though it absolutely broke his heart to hear her crying like this, Logan knew it was much better than the cold stoic state she had been for weeks before. How she could have been able to keep this kind of pain locked inside her for so long, he didn’t know. But he had sworn to her that he wouldn’t leave her, wouldn’t let her suffer alone. That he would be there for her when she’d finally give up to her emotions and let it all go. She had refused at first, said she didn’t need anyone, couldn’t have anyone close to her anymore, she couldn’t bear losing one more person that might hold any meaning to her.
But luckily he had been stubborn with his decission, even more so than she with her determition to be alone for the rest of her life. He hadn’t let her complaints, insults or threats to affect him, knowing it was her way to defent herself from what she believed would only bring her more heartbreak.
He had persistently kept following her, talking to her, taking her anger and frustration she threw at him. She hadn’t been easy person to deal with, especially in her current state. While Logan kept his cool and didn’t let anything to wave him away from his decision, the other recipients of the mansion weren’t quite that patient. While they understood the reasons for Buffy’s moods and behaviour, her flaring temper with that of Logan’s combined was enough to make even those, whose calm was rarely really disturbed by anything, practically jump up the walls. And that had applied even to Professor Xavier.
But as it was bound to happen eventually, Buffy’s steely mind finally broke from it’s confines and her bend up feelings and pain, gathered from so many years of fighting against the worst evil in the world, were released in one huge wave of desperation and sorrow. All the hurt she had tried not to feel, had finally caught up with her, and she felt like she was crushing under the weight of it.
It felt to Buffy that once she had let he tears come they would never cease. She grasped handfuls of back of the Logan’s shirt and tried desperately to feel some sort of firm ground for her emotions, but the world just seemed to be crashing around her, never stopping in it’s cruel motions, never stopping for just one moment to let her catch her breath.
“It hurts, Logan. It hurts so much,” Buffy whispered, her guiet voice rough from all the crying and screaming she had done. “How can it hurt this badly?” She didn’t know how she could ever feel anything else but this terrible soul wrenching pain.
“I know, darlin’, I know. Just let it all out, hold back nothing,” Logan answered, continuing to do the soothing motions with his hands. He wished he could take all her pain away and make her feel well again. But he knew he couldn’t, so he just made sure that she wouldn’t feel like she was totally alone.
“I know it feels like a end of the world for you right now. And though you may not want to believe it, it will get better, trust me. It takes a lot of time and tears, but it will be alright. I promise, darlin’,” Logan quietly assured her, never loosening his firm hold of her.
“How can this ever get better? I don’t know what to do, I feel so alone,” Buffy managed to grasp out before a new wave of sobs prevented her from speaking any more. She wanted to believe Logan’s words, wanted to believe he was right, but it felt so impossible.
“You’re not alone. Your family will always be there with you, in your heart. And I will not leave you. I’ll stay with you as long as you want me to and even if you don’t.” Logan felt himself tighten his hold of her and dropped his head a little to press gentle kiss on her damp forehead, wishing with all his heart Buffy wouldn’t push him away anymore. He wanted to help her heal, wanted to make her feel loved again.
Somehow Logan’s words brought something to Buffy’s mind, something her mother had once said to her. Though it was when she was poisoned by a demon and made believe that her life was just one big delusion she had made up, and that she really was in a mental institution, her mother’s voice now sounded clear in her mind as if she was speaking her gentle words right to Buffy’s ear.
“I believe in you. You're a survivor, you can do this.”
“Buffy, fight it. You're too good to give in, you can beat this thing. Be strong, baby, ok? I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people who love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We'll always be with you.”
“You've got ... a world of strength in your heart. I know you do. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself.”
Somehow those words, real or not, managed to get into her heart, and she could feel how they settled in and shooted away tiny piece of the huge mountain of pain she had built in there. Maybe it was true. Maybe she could find that strength again and maybe she could eventually risk her heart again. Maybe there was someone worth taking that risk for... But she was scared. How could she ever take that risk again. She didn’t think she could take any more heart ache ever again. She felt she couldn’t love ever again.
She then remembered the words the First Slayer had said to her during the Spirit Quest.
“You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.”
”I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?”
”Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain.”
And she knew she didn’t want to reject that love anymore.
Logan’s arms felt safe and comforting around her. He had been so stubborn with his attempts to console her almost the whole time she had been at the mansion. And she was so blinded and numbed by her pain that she couldn’t see how idiotic she was being for refusing his compassion. But now she could see, and what see saw almost made her start sobbing again, but this time from relief. He was right, she wasn’t alone. And she actually believed him when he said he wouldn’t leave her.
She knew she could heal, not wholly but enough, from her sorrow, if she let herself. Like Logan had said, it would take time and a lot more tears, that she was sure of. But she had strong soul and that was the reason she was still alive after all the trials she had had to go through in her life so far. The love she had recieved from her family and friends had given her that strength. And though they now were gone from this world, she knew she still had their love, and maybe someone else’s love too...
Buffy could feel a strange calm settle over herself. The pain was still there but it didn’t feel so heart wrenching anymore like just a short while ago. Feeling Logan stroking her back with his hands and hearing his soothing murmurs next to her ear, she was suddenly hit with an comforting understanding.
Everything would be all right.
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The 'memory' lines are taken from the Buffy episode transcripts (episodes ‘Normal Again’ and ‘Intervention’) at the Buffyworld.com.
Sorry for any stupid grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.