Note: This was written ages ago, at the same time as Loving the Dark. But somehow it never got posted here before.
Pairing: Cordelia/Alex Krycek
Companion story to Loving the Dark
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them.
Summary: Alex has doubts about his relationship with Cordelia.
Distribution:Want it, take it, just tell me
Spoilers: Um let's see, none really. Angel is around season 2 or so but
X-Files is sometime around the middle of the series.
She wasn't exactly the type of woman that he expected to fall in love with. Then again, Alex Krycek had never really expected to fall in love at all. She was an ex-cheerleader, and ex-spoiled little rich girl. Actually he had to admit that she was still pretty spoiled. She could be incredibly superficial, but from what Alex had heard, she use to be much worse.
She also had a brightness to her. Her smile was like the sun shining. Cordelia had a innate goodness to her, that Alex knew he had never possessed himself. She fought the good fight; helped her friend’s triumph over evil; and all of those other clichés. For all of her flaws, Cordelia was most definitely on the side of light. And Alex was completely in love with her.
In general Alex didn't think of himself as a bad man. He didn't think he could be compared to the type of evil that Cordelia and her friends fought. Yes, he had worked for the Consortium, he still did from time to time. Yes, he had committed many crimes. And, yes, he had even killed people. But still, he believed he was doing what was right.
Most of the time, anyway.
He didn't do what he did for fun. He didn't do it to seem cool. He certainly didn't do it because of the money. Mulder, for all of his paranoia, was still an idealist. He thought the public deserved to know the truth about everything. Alex simply couldn't agree with that. The things he had seen, the things he had heard about....he truly believed that people were better off not knowing. Mass panic, distrust, hysteria, maybe even war. That's what the truth would lead to.
Men like C.G.B. Spender might not be good men. He realized that not all the people he worked for did it out of a sense of civic mindedness. Some of the men he worked for were selfish, cruel, maybe even evil. Some of them had a lot of blood on their hands.
Of course, Alex had a lot of blood on his own hands. Sometimes it was more than he could deal with. He had killed people. If he was truly honest with himself, he knew that some of than had probably been quite innocent.
Some nights Alex would lie awake after Cordelia had fallen asleep. He would think about the things he had done, and he would wonder if maybe he was exactly what Mulder thought he was. Maybe there was an innate darkness to him, like Cordelia's innate light.
He didn't tell Cordelia what he did. He couldn't. It wasn't safe for her to know, that's what he told himself. And it was true, but it wasn't the reason he didn't tell her. He was afraid she wouldn't understand. Or maybe that she would understand too well. She would probably hate him for what he did.
And if she didn't, that might be even worse. If Cordelia believed that the road he had chosen was the right one, who was to say that she wouldn't follow it herself. The thought of that scared him more than anything else.
He loved her. Her loved her brightness. He loved her goodness. But those nights when he stayed awake, when he allowed himself to admit what kind of man he really might be, he saw the darkness that had consumed him over the years. And more than anything, he worried, terrified that his darkness would consume her too.