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ToH - Don't Talk With Your Hellmouth Full

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Summary: Mr. Burns wants the Hellmouth in Springfield. You know what that means. Early S2 timeframe for BtVS. Semi-script format.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Simpsons, ThePatKFR716,2021101,69930 Jul 0630 Jul 06Yes
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners and creators. Matt Groening, Joss, Whedon, and FOX. I borrow, and tease, out of love.
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{Opening Couch Gag: Homer is lying dead on the couch, atop a pool of his own blood. The rest of family comes running in, Bart holding a squirt gun with 'HOLYWATER' clearly written on it. Homer rises, vamp face on, and Bart shoots water at him, exploding his father into dust.}

-----

{Scene: SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - OFFICE OF C. MONTGOMERY BURNS. Burns is sitting at his desk, trying to turn the pages of the morning newspaper.}

BURNS: {Yelling} SMITHERS!

SMITHERS: {Coming to his boss’ side} You bellowed, sir?

BURNS: Turn the page for me, would you? I need to see what's new with the Union today.

SMITHERS: {Hopeful} Maybe I could lick your finger for you, so you could turn it yourself. After all, you are always saying how you want to be more independent. My saliva is your saliva, sir.

{Burns looks at Smithers questioningly.}

SMITHERS {smiles weakly} Here, let me just get that for you.

{He turns the page, and hands the paper back to his boss. After a few moments of looking over the paper, Burns becomes outraged.}

BURNS: Did he really think he could put one over on Monty Burns?

SMITHERS: Who, sir?

BURNS: You know, that horned fellow I sold my employees' souls to. Oh, and ours, of course. {Smithers frowns} Has those hideous sideburns?

SMITHERS: Satan?

BURNS: That's the one.

SMITHERS: I, uh, think that's a goatee.

BURNS: {confused} Goa...tee?

SMITHERS: Never mind.

{Flashback to plant three months ago. A long line of employees is slowly moving forward, up to the devil. Screams of agony are heard as the devil rips the soul from an employee. Homer Simpson finally approaches and the devil sticks his hand in, searching for a soul. Homer laughs from the tickling sensation.

DEVIL: This man has no soul!

The devil takes his hand out, and Homer runs down the hall.

HOMER: Take that, Christianity! ---End of flashback}


BURNS {suddenly looking at a contract} I was clearly promised total, earthly control over all things remotely evil. See? {What's written in blood is: Me, souls. You, evil power. Signed, S. & C.M.B.} And now it seems the blasted Devil has been cheating me! Bizarre murders have been occurring in a town called Sunnydale. For years! All those corpses should be rotting here, dammit!

{Burns reaches for a red button behind his desk. It’s labeled, ‘PERSONAL GATEWAY TO HELL – USE ONLY AS DIRECTED BY YOUR EVIL UNDERLORD’.
A hole opens up in the floor in front of Smithers. The Devil appears.}

DEVIL: How can I be of service, Monty?

BURNS: You can go to hell! {The Devil starts to go back down the hole.} No, you idiot! It’s a figure of speech! I want whatever is causing the murders in California to be sent here post haste!

DEVIL: I can’t do that.

BURNS: Do you like your condo, hmm? I could stop the payments.

DEVIL: I need that condo! It’s the only place that has air conditioning! Do you have any idea how *humid* it is down there?

{An evil grin creeps across Burns’ face. He taps his withering, yellow finger on his desk. The Devil bows his head, and snaps his fingers.}

BURNS: Well?

DEVIL {scratching his head}: It should be right…

BURNS: Prince of Darkness?! Bah! Get out of my sight!

-----

{Scene: SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY - SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA.
Sitting around a table in the middle of the library, the four people are waiting for tremors to subside.}

XANDER: Okay, what was that?

BUFFY: I’m guessing, earthquake?

GILES: Those felt more like aftershocks.

WILLOW: How can there be aftershocks without an earthquake?

{Giles walks three feet to his left. He stands there for a minute, then stomps his foot on the floor. He is shaken out of his pondering by the ringing of his office telephone. He rushes in to answer it.}

BUFFY: That was a little odd.

XANDER: What? The tremors, or Giles’ little leg spasm?

BUFFY: Both.

WILLOW: Well, we are on the Hellmouth.

GILES: {Coming out of the office, looking strained} No, we aren't.

BUFFY: 'Cuse me?

GILES: It has…moved.

XANDER: I’ll call the caterer, Will, you can make the guest list…

GILES: It’s not that simple, I'm afraid. We have to go to its new location.

WILLOW: What for?

GILES: To bring it back. We cannot allow another town to be victimized.

BUFFY: And this town is where? What’s it even called, anyway?

GILES: The man on the phone said it was a rather long drive, and it's called Springfield.

XANDER: {Sarcastic} You mean like the other million Springfields in America?

BUFFY: He’s right, Giles. We need specifics.

GILES: It’s in…

{Cordelia enters the library, stopping him from finishing}

WILLOW: Ooh, Cordelia, can we borrow your car?

{Cordelia gets the keys out of her purse}

CORDELIA: Wait a sec. What for?

XANDER: {Yanking the keys out of her hand} We need to go outta town and we’re not getting anywhere in Giles’...whatever that thing with the wheels is supposed to be.

{They start walking out the door.}

CORDELIA: Hey! I’m coming too!

-----

{Scene: BORDER THAT LEADS FROM SHELBYVILLE INTO SPRINGFIELD - SEVERAL HOURS LATER}

WILLOW: This is weird. Have you ever heard of Shelbyville before?

CORDELIA: Nope, but I’ve never heard of Ogdenville either, so…

XANDER: Plus, did anybody happen to notice how yellow we are?

{The car comes up to the ‘Welcome to Springfield’ sign where they see two police officers holding their hands out in a stop gesture.}

GILES: {Quietly} Bloody…what is this?

{He slows the car down, and the two officers go to the driver’s side.}

EDDIE: Pardon me, folks, but we couldn’t help noticing the amount of tweed you’re wearing, sir. By any chance, are you British?

GILES: {Sighing} As a matter of fact, yes. Why?

{Eddie "harrumphs."}

LOU: I’m going to have to ask you to wear this, sir.

{He hands Giles a white T-shirt that says, ‘YES, I’M BRITISH’.}

GILES: I will not.

{The two officers start reaching for their nightsticks.}

BUFFY: Giles, we don’t want to start any trouble. Just wear the shirt.

{He changes from his jacket and shirt to the T-shirt. He goes to put his jacket back on.}

EDDIE: Uh-uh, "Big Ben." That shirt has to be visible and displayed on your person at all times during your stay here.

{Giles drives off.}

LOU: {Calling after them, laughing with Eddie} Welcome to Springfield!

-----

{Scene: THE SIMPSONS HOUSE - 742 EVERGREEN TERRACE}
Homer Simpson is on his couch getting ready to watch his favorite show, Nightboat}

TV: Thanks for watching World’s Funniest Paperclips, I’m James Brown. Good night folks.

HOMER: I still think the paperclip shaped like Nixon shoulda won.

{He looks down at the cushion beside him and picks up a bent paperclip.}

HOMER: {Smiling affectionately at the paperclip} I don’t care what those losers say, Clippy. You’ll win one day.

TV: This is Kent Brockman, with a breaking news report. Eyewitnesses in the vicinity of Evergreen Terrace have claimed to have seen large, demon-like creatures wandering around their neighborhood. However, everyone knows that the residents in that area are alcoholics, and their opinions aren’t worth a damn.

HOMER: Damn right. {Thinks a second} Hey!

TV: I’ll be back after Nightboat with more details about this beer-induced story.

{Outside the window of the house, there are three demons in the street destroying anything they happen to come across. Homer looks around, oblivious.}

HOMER: Something’s wrong. I’m missing something…

{Outside, a demon flips over his car.}

HOMER’S BRAIN: {Trying to assist his body, it is just as clueless} It’s smooth, refreshing…

HOMER: Sex?

HOMER’S BRAIN: It also creates a pleasant, life-altering, buzz-like sensation…

HOMER: Sex with alcohol? {Thinks harder} Wait…alcohol? Beer! Oh Lord in Heaven! How could I forget beer?!

{He rushes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. There’s no beer inside. He screams, then yells up the steps to Marge.}

HOMER: Marge! Where’s the beer?

MARGE: There should be some in the cooler down the basement!

{He rushes down the basement steps. There are two vampires drinking beer in front of the cooler.}

HOMER: Pass me one?

{The vampire does}

{Right next to Homer is a large gaping hole, with purple and pink mystical energy emanating from it. Vampires and demons of every shape and size are coming out of it, and leaving through the cellar entrance that goes to the side of the house. His gaze finally shifts to it}

HOMER: I’ve never seen this before. Hey, buddy, do you know…?

{The vampire bares its fangs at Homer. With a screech, Homer runs upstairs and shuts the door.}

HOMER: {Angry} BART! Get down here now!

{Bart comes down the steps followed by Lisa and Marge.}

BART: What’s wrong, Homer?

{Homer drags Bart to the basement door and opens it. He points to the hole and the vampires.}

HOMER: Who are they?

LISA: Vampires.

BART: Duh.

MARGE: Didn’t you see all the things outside, Homey?

{Homer just has a blank look on his face.}

LISA: Look, dad, everybody knows vampires can’t come in as long as you don't invite them.

HOMER: And just where did you learn that, young lady?

LISA: Scientific American’s "Occult" issue. See? {Holds up magazine.} Since the basement is where they're coming from, they can’t get to the rest of the house unless we say so.

MARGE: Which we’re never going to do.

HOMER: Gotcha.

{There’s a knock on the basement door. Homer opens it.}

VAMPIRE: Can we come up?

HOMER: {Enthusiastic} Sure!

BART: Dad!

MARGE: We changed our minds. Eh, sorry.

{The vampire hangs his head down, and slumps back down the stairs. Bart shuts the door, and they all stare angrily at Homer.}

HOMER: What? I forgot. Sooorrrry! Oh shoot. I’m missing Nightboat.

{He rushes to the TV.}

-----

{Scene: SPRINGFIELD RESEARCH LABORATORY}

{Giles parks the car.}

BUFFY: Why’d we stop?

GILES: This is the address I was given.

{They enter the laboratory and notice people giving Giles’ dirty looks. They finally reach the office of Professor John Frink, and walk inside. Professor Frink is hunched over, yelling at his latest invention that looks like one of those old, giant, punch card computers.}

FRINK: Just tell me where the golden ticket is for crying out glavin!

COMPUTER: I WOULD IF YOU LOVED ME, PROFESSOR.

{Giles taps Frink on the shoulder.}

GILES: Excuse me, Professor…

FRINK: {Turns around, startled} Hello there! I didn’t hear you come in, mmhey.

GILES: I’m Rupert Giles. We spoke on the phone?

FRINK: Oh, yes. Your hellmouth’s here all right.

GILES: You’re sure?

FRINK: Sure? Of course I am! My 'Hellmouth detector' is never wrong.

BUFFY: So where exactly?

FRINK: The other side of town, mmhey.

XANDER: Where are the vampires?

FRINK: Vampires?

CORDELIA: Pointy teeth, they bite?

FRINK: Don't think so.

BUFFY: I think you’re wrong.

FRINK: {Grabbing a small device} If there were vampires, this would have gone off in mere nanoseconds, with the noises and the lights and the pretty blinking that's hypnotic, oh boy!

WILLOW: Let me see that. {Takes the device}

FRINK: I doubt your mind could comprehend the workings of such a sophisticated --

{Willow turns it over, and opens a little panel on the back.}

WILLOW: No batteries.

{Frink turns red, gets some batteries out of his pocket, and puts them in the device. It beeps like crazy.}

FRINK: Why, this baby’s off the chart! It says that the major activity is centered around Evergreen Terrace.

GILES: Thank you.

{They walk out.}

BUFFY: I was wrong.

WILLOW: About what?

BUFFY: There is somebody more stuffy than Giles.

---

{Scene: SLEEP EAZY MOTEL. The sign reads: Bullet Free For a Month}

{They walk along each of the motel room doors trying to find their rooms as dawn approaches. Avoiding drunks, trash piles, and large amounts of toxic waste, they eventually open one of the doors.}

GILES: {Looking in, shocked} My apologies.

MAN: Vote Quimby!

{They finally find the right rooms}

GILES: Willow, Buffy, Cordelia, will take 20; Xander, you and I will take 21.

{Xander is about to comment, but Giles shoots him a look.}

{The girls enter their room, and twenty rats run out. Cordelia tries to run away, but they pull her inside. Buffy sees a closet, and goes to throw their bags inside. She opens it up, and gasps.}

CLETUS: Get yer own closet. This one’s spoken fer.

{She quickly shuts the door, and five minutes later the girls are sleeping in the beds in Room 21, and Giles and Xander are on the floor.}

-----

{Scene: THE SIMPSONS HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY
Bart and Lisa are lying on the floor of the living room watching Itchy and Scratchy. Homer's behind them, sitting on the couch.}

TV: {Cartoon: 1001 Stakes
Scratchy is walking by a costume shop, and notices Itchy through the window. Itchy appears to be buying a vampire costume.

Later that night, Scratchy is walking on the street when he sees a vampire come up to him. The vampire’s fangs are bared and Scratchy just laughs. Then he feels somebody tap him on the shoulder. It’s Itchy, dressed in the costume. The real vampire bites Scratchy on the neck, and blood spurts everywhere.

Moments later Scratchy wakes up a vampire. Off to the side, Itchy pushes a button on a machine that sends a bunch of stakes into Scratchy, but they all miss the heart. Then the sun comes up, and Scratchy explodes, his guts sent flying. The End.}

{Bart and Lisa laugh hysterically. Shortly after, the doorbell rings and Bart goes to answer the door. Buffy is standing there with the rest of the gang. Bart looks at Buffy and starts drooling.}

BUFFY: Hi, my name’s Buffy and we heard about something bad that may be in your house. Can we come in?

LISA: {Pushing past Bart, she sees Xander and blushes} Yes.

GILES: Are your parents home?

LISA: Mom’s shopping. Dad's in the living room.

{She escorts them in front of the TV. Homer has changed the channel.}

HOMER: Lisa! They were just about to get off the island!

TV: ‘See, Gilligan? This luxury liner I made out of grass, coconuts, and Mrs. Howell's bloated carcass will take us off the island.’

‘Gee, that’s great, Professor. You know what I’m going to do when we get home?’

‘What’s that?’

‘Sue the tour company.’

{A coconut falls off a tree and hits Gilligan on the head.}

‘Oh, Gilligan!’ {The Professor laughs}

HOMER: {Laughing} Look! His hat’s smooshed!

GILES: Excuse me…Mr. Simpson?

HOMER: What is it, British Guy?

GILES: {Hiding his anger} We have reason to believe there may be a problem--

HOMER: If it’s about that weird hole downstairs, I’m way aheada ya.

{Homer gets up and takes them around to the basement}

GILES: You have a lovely home.

HOMER: {Angry} Well, I’m sorry it’s not like the castles in London!

GILES: I never…

HOMER: Excuse me if I don’t have a Dill Pickle Circus or… {He gets a glazed look on his face} Mm...dill pickle circus.

GILES: Mr. Simpson! Just show me the bloody basement!

HOMER: {Sarcastic. Faking being upset} Oh, look! I made the British guy mad! Ooooh, I'm so scared!

{Buffy opens the door and looks down}

BUFFY: It’s there. The vamps are gone though.

WILLOW: Where would they go?

-----

{Scene: MOE’S TAVERN.
Vampires are sitting on the stools drinking. Barney Gumble is there too.}

MOE: You guys are *really* bad for business, ya know. {A vampire lunges at Moe.}
Geez, sorry, sorry. Here, eat Barney.

{A vampire starts biting Barney’s neck. He spits out his blood}

VAMPIRE: He’s cold.

MOE: Yeah that’s what happens after twenty years of blood ta alcohol transfusions. He’s got beer in his veins. Ain’t that right, Barn?

BARNEY: {He belches, and turns to a vampire} You gonna finish that drink?

-----

{Scene: BACK AT THE SIMPSONS HOUSE
Giles is still trying to figure out what to do. Lisa is batting her eyes at Xander, and Willow shoots her an angry look. The doorbell rings, and Homer goes to answer it. It’s Ned Flanders.}

HOMER: {Annoyed} Yeah?

FLANDERS: Hiya, Homer. Listen, I heard this rumor that your basement is where all those horrifying denizens of Hell are coming from.

HOMER: Your point?

FLANDERS: Well…I…feel it’s my duty as a Christian to do the darndest possible job of… {Homer makes a hurry up gesture.} destroying them.

HOMER: Gee, Flanders, I really don’t think you wanna…

HOMER’S BRAIN: Quiet, you fool! We can be rid of him!

HOMER: {Leading Ned to the basement} Right this way... {Laughs to himself}

{Buffy steps in front of the door}

BUFFY: {Shocked voice} Mr. Simpson! {Turning to Flanders} I’m sorry, Mr. Flanders, it’s too dangerous to go down there. Don’t worry, though, I’ll fight them. It’s what I do.

FLANDERS: Okily dokily.

{He leaves. Marge comes in soon after.}

MARGE: I’m home! {Going to Homer} I just saw Ned leave.

HOMER: Really? Me too.

{Looks at the new people in her house}

MARGE {nervously fixing her hair} I didn't know we had company.

BART & LISA: Yeah, they came to get rid of all the demons. Can they stay for dinner, mom? Please!

BUFFY: We really shouldn’t.

MARGE: Nonsense. My Aunt Clarice always use to say, Marjorie, you can’t fight hellspawn on an empty stomach. Set the table, Lisa.

HOMER: {Whispering in Marge’s ear, nervous} But, Marge! The guy with the glasses is British!

MARGE: Hmmm…. Really? {Thinks for a minute} Well, he’s still a guest in our house.

{Homer looks around panicked}

-----

{Scene: DINING ROOM. Later…at the table}

HOMER: {Laughing} ...and the cat, boy, was he messed up!

{The rest of the family laugh, but Buffy and the gang just look at each other}

CORDELIA: Seeing as how funny that wasn’t, do you have any idea who put the big portal in your basement? I’d really just like to get out of here.

WILLOW: {Shocked and nervous} Cordelia!

XANDER: Ignore her. Her brain isn’t attached to her vocal chords.

HOMER: Man, do I know what that’s like!

LISA: {Laughing hysterically} That was so funny, Xander!

XANDER: {Looking at his friends} See? At least somebody appreciates my humor.

{Willow shoots Lisa another dirty look. Buffy starts to talk, but Homer interrupts}

HOMER: Ssshh! TV.

TV {coming from the living room, sound only}: Hello, this is Kent Brockman with Eye on Springfield. Unfortunately, there isn’t much to eye tonight as most Springfield residents have turned up mysteriously dead.
{He laughs}

This reporter has been asked to retract his previous remark belittling the residents of Evergreen Terrace. Well, I will do no such thing. I’ll go to hell before I admit that my statement was, in this case, wildly inaccurate and cost many viewers their immortal souls. You hear me network management? Hell!

{A vampire's growl sounds}

VAMPIRE: That can be arranged. {"Technical difficulties" music can be heard, cutting off Kent's screams)

BUFFY: As I was gonna say, Cordelia may be tact-free, but she did ask a good question. How did the Hellmouth get here?

BART: There’s only one guy in town evil enough to do this…

GILES: Who?

BART: It has to be –-

LISA: {Interrupting Bart} Mr. Burns.

XANDER: Mr. Burns?

BART: He owns the –-

LISA: {Interrupting Bart again} Nuclear Power Plant.

BUFFY: Thank you, Lisa.

{Lisa grins evilly at Bart. He punches her arm}

MARGE: Bart! Don’t punch your sister!

HOMER: Yeah! You know the rule.

BART: If we’re going to fight, we have to let you place bets first.

HOMER: And don’t forget it!

LISA: Can I be excused, Mom? I wanna show Xander my room.

HOMER: Oh no you don’t! You’ll turn him fruity! You know how I feel about fruit in this house! {Lisa nods, and sighs. Homer continues} I’m taking him to Moe’s. You have a fake I.D., Mander?

XANDER: No. But it’s Xan --

HOMER {doesn't care}: Yeah, yeah.

{He pulls out a card from his wallet and hands it to Xander}

XANDER: "Brian McGee"?

HOMER: We had some good times. {Sighing, he stares off, remembering, and then quickly snaps back to reality} Be back after the hangover, Marge. {He and Xander get up and walk to the door} Now get ready to puke!

{They leave}

BUFFY: I should patrol, see if I can find this Mr. Burns guy.

GILES: I should come as well.

BART: {Eager} I can help.

BUFFY: It’s too dangerous, Bart.

{Bart puts his arms across his chest. Defeated and angry, he goes to his room, mumbling. Lisa goes upstairs as well, and Willow follows her soon after}

-----

{Scene: LISA'S BEDROOM.}

WILLOW: {Knocking on Lisa’s bedroom door} Lisa, can I come in?

LISA: Sure, Willow.

{Willow enters the bedroom, and shuts the door}

LISA: So, uh…Xander, he’s really nice.

WILLOW: Yeah. Ya like him, huh?

LISA: Oh yeah...he –-

{Willow grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her up against the wall}

WILLOW: Listen, little girl. Xander’s *mine*. Got it?

LISA: {Scared} Y-yes.

-----

{Scene: BART’S ROOM. He’s pacing, his hands behind his back. Santa’s Little Helper is pacing with him.}

BART: "It’s too dangerous, Bart." Whatever. She needs my help, I know she does. I engage in harmless, youthful vandalism every night. If it isn't past my bedtime. Who knows the streets better than me? Right?

SLH: Bark!

BART: She just hasn’t had a chance to experience the "Bart charm" yet. Go get my Charming kit, boy.

{The dog goes off, and comes back with a Malibu Stacy doll in his mouth.}

BART: I don’t want this stupid doll! Wait…{He thinks} I can use this…

{---Dream Sequence
Lisa is washing a pair of Homer’s pants. They are too big to fit in the washer so she has to do it by hand. Bart is standing to the side, taunting Lisa with the doll.

LISA: Please, Bart! No more!

BART: Your little doll will be waiting for you when you finish. Now do the inside.

Lisa goes into the pants. She disappears into their depths.

LISA: It’s really dark in here, Bart! And it smells, too!

The pants are bulging as she struggles to get out. Bart grins. ---End Dream Sequence}

BART: {Chuckling, but immediately leaving his fantasy behind} There’s no time for the kit! I have to go!

{He goes out his bedroom window into the night}

-----

{Scene: MOE’S TAVERN. Homer, Xander, and Barney are sitting on stools, drinking}

MOE: Hey, Homer, are you sure he’s the legal drinking age?

HOMER: {Drunkenly perplexed} Whassa? Drinking age? {Turning to Xander} Do you know what it is, Blander?

XANDER: {Shrugging, and slurring his words} I think iths got a two an' a one in ith.

HOMER: Two an'a one? But that's four! He's way older than four, Moe! And you know what? It's about time somebody told you what your problem is..."Captain Bringddown!"

{Barney, Homer, and Xander all begin laughing, and then the cocking of a shotgun is heard.}

HOMER {submissive}: We'll be good.

{The storage room opens, a vampire peaks his head out}

VAMPIRE: We’re running outta blood back here.

MOE: Keep your fangs on. You know, if you woulda saved a few people instead of suckin' on 'em all at once…

{The vampire growls}

MOE: It’s comin', it’s comin'.

-----

{Scene: OUTSIDE ALLEY BEHIND MOE’S. Fat Tony and his two goons are dragging bodies to the back door.}

LEGS: This is alotta work, boss.

FAT TONY: Yes. But tink of da money we are saving not having to buy cement anymore.

-----

{Scene: BACK IN MOE’S.}

XANDER: Was that a vampire?

MOE: Eh, maybe.

XANDER: I gotta tell the others.

{He tries to get up, but falls and passes out.}

MOE: He only had half a beer.

-----

{Scene: STREETS OF SPRINGFIELD. Buffy and Giles are walking looking for vampires. Bart is a few feet behind them, carefully moving.}

BUFFY: We’re getting nowhere. Are the vampires are hiding or something?

GILES: I would ask someone, but these people frighten me.

{A few feet ahead of them, Helen Lovejoy screams. Buffy runs up.}

BUFFY: What is it? What’s wrong?

HELEN L: He’s…he’s an Englishman!

{A cop car pulls up. Chief Wiggum steps out}

GILES: {Annoyed} Oh for Pete’s Sake!

WIGGUM: Whoa, whoa, whoa--watch the accent, Phew Grant!

HELEN L: {Frantic} Won’t somebody please think of the children!

WIGGUM: Okay, you monarchy scum, get your rear in the car!

GILES: Why do you hate the English so blasted much?

WIGGUM {out comes the night stick} This is your last warning, Pops.

{Buffy sees dark shadows in the alley in front of her}

BUFFY: Chief, I’m an American aren’t I?

WIGGUM: Yeah, I guess.

BUFFY: Well what if I promise to watch him? Make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble?

WIGGUM: Well...it sure would save me time. Krusty Burger’s got this 2 for 1 special today only. I wouldn’t wanna miss that...

BUFFY: Then you’ll let me?

WIGGUM: Oh yeah. Yeah. Just...be careful, Miss. Once he infects your teeth, you're done for.

{Wiggum drives off, and Buffy and Giles, go off into the alley. They hear voices.}

WOMAN: {Seductively} C'mon, handsome, bring your apple to Teacher.

MAN: Mrs. Krabappel, I’m sure you mean well…

BUFFY: {Questioningly} Angel?

ANGEL: Buffy? {Runs out and over to Buffy}

{Mrs. Krabappel follows}

BUFFY: What’s going on?

ANGEL: I followed you. I thought you could use some help, and I ran into her.

BUFFY: {Angry} Oh really? {Kisses Angel long and hard} Back off, lady.

{Bart has been watching the scene, frowns, and tears up. Nelson appears, and points at him}

NELSON: Ha, Ha!

BUFFY: We’ve been trying to find…

ANGEL: Burns? His place is this way.

{They start moving again, and Bart stops following and runs the other way}

BUFFY: {In an authoritative tone} Come on, Giles.

GILES: {with a sigh} We should have stayed in Sunnydale.

-----

{Scene: MAYOR JOE QUIMBY’S OFFICE. Xander finally makes it out of the bar, and tells Lisa and Willow that that’s where the vampires are. They all go to Mayor Quimby’s Office to get him to take some action. They are waiting for him to enter.}

LISA: Are you sure you saw them, Xander?

WILLOW: {Annoyed} If he said he saw vampires, he saw them.

LISA: It's just…I’ve seen my dad when he comes home from Moe’s. You don’t want to know what he thought he saw in the mayonnaise jar.

XANDER: {Quietly} Quiet, you two, he’s coming.

{Quimby enters}

QUIMBY: {Wiping lipstick off his face} Now, ah, what can I do for you?

XANDER: We know where the vampires are and we thought you might want to assist my friend and your town by organizing some police to take them out.

QUIMBY: You’re absolutely right. I’ll get on that right away.

{There was a knock on the door}

QUIMBY: Excuse me. {He gets up and opens the door. A hand peaks through the door, and hands him a briefcase. A growl is heard}

LISA: Mr. Mayor, are you accepting blood money from the vampires?

QUIMBY: {Nervous} Why would you think that?

WILLOW: {Pointing to the briefcase} There’s blood dripping from it, and there’s money hanging out the bottom.

QUIMBY: That’s…uh, that’s paint. Now move along, I have work to do.

-----

{Scene: SIMPSON HOUSE. The basement door is open and Bart is looking in. He sees all the vampires returning through the window, coming back from Moe’s. Upset at his lost chance with Buffy, he decides to try out some new material}

BART: {Yelling down} Hey! Why’d you guys come back?

VAMPIRE: Bad blood.

BART: Yeah. The mob’s resources are really getting tapped out these days.

{All the vampires grumble in agreement}

BART: I’ve got a really bloody, medium rare steak in the fridge. And…a baby.

{They all look up}

BART {he holds up Maggie, who sucks her pacifier}: Interested?

VAMPIRES: You bet!

{Bart laughs}

BART: {To himself} This will be great.

{To the vampires gathering on the steps}

I invite you in.

{They start up}

Sorry, I take it back.

{He laughs}

Okay, you’re invited again.

{They start again, getting closer}

Sorry, changed my mind. I take it back. I’m so unpredictable sometimes.

{Not noticing the vampire standing right at the exit, he starts again}

I invite you in.

{The vampire comes through}

Oh, wait I –-

{The vampire grabs his neck and Bart gags}

VAMPIRE: You’ll be bait for the Slayer. Come on, fellas.

-----

{Scene: KITCHEN. Marge and Cordelia are talking}

CORDELIA: {Pointing to the curtains on the window} Who ever heard of vegetable curtains?

MARGE: They happen to be very popular.

CORDELIA: On what planet?

{Marge makes her annoyed sound}

CORDELIA: And what’s with the hair? It’s bad enough that it’s blue, but to attach a cactus to your head –-

MARGE: {Angry} Now hold it just a minute –-

{They hear Bart scream, and then run into the foyer. The door is wide open. A note is tacked to the outside of it.}

MARGE: {Reading the note} We have borrowed your son. We’re using him as bait, and afterwards we’ll probably eat him, but we promise to return the body. Thanks. {Puts the note down, and brings her hand up to her mouth} Oh dear.

CORDELIA: Sucks doesn’t it?

{Marge stares at her, shocked}

CORDELIA: {Oblivious} What?

-----

{Scene: SPRINGFIELD STREETS. Buffy, Angel, and Giles walk through town. Out front on the church announcement board it says,
‘SALE ON HOLYWATER, CROSSES, AND GARLIC - HALF OFF. DESTROY AN UNHOLY BEAST AND GET A GUARANTEED PASS INSIDE THE LORD’S HEAVENLY GATES. Eventually, they get to the gate entrance that leads to Mr. Burns’ mansion.}

BUFFY: Now what?

GILES: Normally I would say knock, but something tells me that would be too civilized for anyone in this town. Bloody Americans.

BUFFY: {Hurt voice} Hey!

ANGEL: I think something's coming.

{They all turn around to see a mob of vampires coming towards them, carrying Bart. They move out of the way as the vampires crash through the gate, and stop inside the courtyard.}

BUFFY: Well that’s one way to get in. Hey...why’d they stop?

{One vampire steps out of the crowd}

VAMPIRE: Isn't this where we have the long, terrifying chase sequence around the eerie mansion for about five minutes or so, till we find that evil, billionaire guy? {Agitated} Tell me we missed it. {He cursed under his absence of breath, followed by his friends} I told you we shouldn'ta stopped at the blood bank!

ANGEL: They didn’t, did they?

BUFFY: {Checking her watch} No, you’re right on time.

{The vampires, relieved, hold their hands out. Buffy, Angel, and Giles take the cue, and the three of them start running, followed by the vampires}

-----

{Scene: MOE’s. Xander, Willow, and Lisa come running in.}

MOE: Easy! You’re scaring the rats!

LISA: Dad! We need to start a mob.

WILLOW: We need to because –-

{Homer stands up}

HOMER: {Spotlight shines on him, and he puts his hand over his heart} No reason is necessary. Where a mob is needed, I will always provide it. It’s practically my duty as a –-

{Marge enters the bar with the bar with the rest of the townspeople behind her.}

MARGE: Homer! The vampires took Bart so I gathered a mob together to go confront Mr. Burns.

SKINNER: Don’t worry, I phoned ahead again.

HOMER: {Disappointed} But, Marge! You know how I like to start unruly mobs!

MARGE: Oh I’m sorry, Homey. You can start one next week.

HOMER: {Looking up, hopeful} Promise?

{Marge nods and Homer jumps up in the air}

HOMER: Woo Hoo!

{They run out the door, and head towards Burns’ place. Xander, Willow, and Lisa look at each other, shrug, and run after them.}

-----

{Scene: BURNS' DINING ROOM. Burns is sitting at the end of the long table, eating his soup. Smithers comes over, and wipes his chin.}

BURNS: {Hears growling} Good god, man! I'm trying to swallow! Calm your instestines this instant!

SMITHERS: Uh, it wasn't me, sir.

{It comes closer. Now there's footsteps}

SMITHERS {visibly frightened}: You can cling to me for support if you need to.

{Buffy, Angel, Giles, and the vampires run in. Several townspeople are vampires. Spike is seen in the crowd}

BURNS: You’re supposed to be out slaughtering things! Whatever happened to the obedient demons they had in the thirties?

GILES: So you are behind this.

BURNS: {Scrutinizing Giles} What? Oh yes. You’re one of *those*, aren’t you? I know your type. Stiff upper lip, proper, better than everyone else...but once you enter an establishment that serves ale by the barrelful, you fall flat on your keisters, getting, "smashed" {makes quotation marks with his fingers} with your {and again} "blokes."

BUFFY: Isn't that the Irish?

{Angel looks down at the floor}

BURNS: What are you waiting for? Start murdering!

{The vampires advance, and then the unruly mob comes crashing in}

LENNY: {Holding a torch} Did we make it?

CARL: Uh, I don't see any corpses.

HIBBERT: Well that’s a relief. {He chuckles}

HOMER: Okay, vampires. Get ready to die over and over!

{A vampired Apu steps out from the vampire crowd}

APU: But Mr. Homer, do you not want to try my new Blood Squishee?

HOMER: {Excited} Ooooh! {In a strance like state} Mm…blood squishee.

KRUSTY: Oy gavult! What a moron!

HOMER: {Realizing his mistake} D’OH!

{The Devil appears out of a cloud of mist}

DEVIL: Release the child.

{Out of fear, the vampires do.}

BART: {Walking up to the Devil} Thanks, man.

DEVIL: Anytime, Bart.

BART: My room finished yet?

DEVIL: {groans} You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get contractors down –-

BUFFY: Can we get back on track, please?

DEVIL: Somebody's snippy. {he harrumphs, and then focuses on Mr. Burns} You have used the Mouth of Hell irresponsibly, Burns. Not to mention that Sunnydale’s been *really* boring lately.

BURNS: Who do you think you -–?

DEVIL: You were supposed to control the demons, instead, you let them run free.

BURNS: But you don’t understand, control costs money that I just can’t spare.

{Burns’ chair, soupspoon, and bowl, are all solid gold with jewels encrusted inside}

DEVIL: No excuses! You had your chance. All demons, vampires {he looks down at some kind of odd, evil eyeball} and...miscellaneous, must return to the Mouth so I can move it back to Sunnydale.

VAMPIRES: {Whining} Do we have to?

DEVIL {like a stern parent, he points and utters a "now" grunt}: Don't make me repeat myself.

{They start to leave. Spike is seen again smoking a cigarette. Homer sees Flanders leaving with them. Homer grabs Flanders, and burns him with the torch he was holding.}

BART & LISA: Dad, you burned Vampire Flanders!

HOMER: {Confused} He was a vampire?

{The Devil snaps his fingers, and he disappears with the Simpsons and the gang, leaving a confused mob.}

{Jasper checks his watch}

JASPER: It’s almost time for Matlock!

GRANDPA: Doggone it! Then what are we standing around here for? {Starts walking out} I remember when vampires were used as magazine racks. It was during the war, see, and all the...

{Having nothing better to do, the rest of people follow the two old men out as Grandpa rambles on}

SMITHERS: You know, sir--

BURNS: Oh, shut up.

-----

{Scene: SIMPSON’S BASEMENT. The vampires are standing around the Hellmouth, with the Devil, the Simpsons, and the gang watching.}

LISA: Aren't you gonna go in?

VAMPIRE: Um, uh, we-we all thought you might change your mind if you heard our song first.

{Gets ready to sing} We don’t mean to bite, we don’t mean to kill, but --

HOMER: {Interrupting} No dice, demon guy. Move it! {He accidentally pokes the vampire with the fire end of the torch he's still holding. The vampire burns up.} Oops. Heh-heh. Sorry.

DIFFERENT VAMPIRE: But we won a Grammy!

{He hands it to Homer. The plaque says, ‘WINNER FOR BEST ALTERNATIVE SONG: The Undead Experience - "Warm Blooded, Suck it and Feed."}

HOMER: {Unsure now} Well, now I don’t know what to think. The Grammy's are on TV, and TV would never let evil monsters darken the soul of its wondrous programming lineup.

{From upstairs, TV is heard}

TV: Just in time for the holiday season and ready to warm your hearts, it’s "Celebrity Ex-Con Christmas!" All your old favorites are dropping in to spread some yuletide cheer! Robert Downey Jr.! Mike Tyson! And Tonya Harding! Host Amy Fischer broadcasts live from her old cell, this December on FOX.

MARGE: {Forceful} You march into that vortex right now! {Does her angry, low in the throat, hmmm sound}

VAMPIRES: {Cringing back, submissive} Yes, ma’am.

{The vampires slowly go in, along with all the other demons. The Devil snaps his finger again, and the Hellmouth disappears.}

BUFFY: So it’s over?

DEVIL: Not quite.

WILLOW: What d'you mean?

DEVIL: I’m afraid that…you can never go home again. {He laughs evilly}

{Giles falls to his knees and screams. They all point at him and laugh}

-----

{Scene: GILES’ BEDROOM, SUNNYDALE. He snaps awake, sweating.}

GILES: {Looking around, relieved} Thank Goodness. It was just a dream.

{He looks down at the foot of his bed, and sees a talking Krusty Doll. It gets up, and Giles gasps.}

KRUSTY DOLL: {Holding a knife, advancing closer} Time to die, Gov'na! {Does Krusty laugh, and raises knife}

THE END?

The End

You have reached the end of "ToH - Don't Talk With Your Hellmouth Full". This story is complete.

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