DISCLAIMERS: SG1, Clone-Jack, and anyone you recognize belong to MGM, Gekko & others that are not Scorpio. Xander & the Scooby’s belong to Mutant Enemy & the “Grrr Argh” Monster, not Scorpio.
Johnny spun around at the oddly hollow and deep voice coming directly behind him. His right hand snapped down to where his gun used to be only to hit an empty space. A tall robed alien with goat-like ears, a bunch of horns on his gray skinned head and a long white beard pulled into some sort of weird pony-tail stood before him grinning in glee. Before Johnny could pick his jaw up long enough to demand to know who the hell he was and what the hell was going on, the alien lifted up a hand and waggled his long fingers in a classic ‘bye-bye’ gesture. Then, in an explosion of searing flame, the alien disappeared. In his place a body materialized about six feet up in the air. With a yelp, gravity asserted itself on the body and it fell to the ground with a painful sounding thud.
Tensed and ready to fight, Johnny took a step closer and looked at what appeared to be a man in ill-fitting clothes. With a moan, the man rolled over slightly and Johnny could easily see that the man was also heavily armed, but with odd weapons that he either didn’t recognize or would never think to see in a modern setting. Was that really an axe that the guy had strapped to his back?
Johnny stepped slightly sideways in order to keep the glare of the front door lights that Linda left on all night out of his eyes. He didn’t want to be caught blinded by the glare if he could help it.
“You fell out of a burning hole in the sky. Missed landing on my head by three feet.”
The guy moaned in pain again and started to push his way up off of the ground. Johnny tensed and rocked onto the balls of his feet, his arms swinging loose in case this first contact situation turned ugly on him and he had to fight.
Watching the stranger stand up, he noted several knives of various materials including… wood(?) and two guns, both of which were of an unknown design. And yeah, that was a single bladed axe with what looked like a metal spike or pick on the other side that was riding in a leather rig on the guy’s back. Johnny also realized that his first impression about the guy’s clothes was correct, they were ill-fitting. In fact, they were far too large for him, the cuffs falling past his wrists and dragging down over his shoes. Beyond that, it was obvious that it was a uniform, ill-fitting or not. Just, it wasn’t a uniform that Johnny had ever seen.
“Where am I?”
With a smirk and a soft snort, he replied, “Planet Earth.”
That snapped the stranger’s attention and his head whipped around. Short dark brown hair framed a surprisingly young human face that wore a worn leather patch over the left eye, leaving a single brown one to stare intently at Johnny. He tensed; a hairs-breath away from violence. Then, unexpectedly, that brown eye widened in shock and the man glanced around wildly. He jerked and then stared in horrified fascination at Linda Ferretti’s light blue Toyota.
“You okay there buddy?” Worry in his voice, because he so didn’t need to deal with a flipped out alien teenager that was armed for war when he didn’t have anything but a pair of faded Levi jeans and an Avalanche t-shirt.
The stranger looked over at him again, but he seemed pale and shocky to Johnny. “I…I…don’t…”
Johnny watched as the stranger trailed off and raised a shaky hand up to his face and touched the leather patch. Swallowing hard, he pushed it out of the way. Johnny flinched slightly, prepared to see a nasty scar or wound, but all he saw was another brown eye looking at him in confused amazement. “I have two eyes.”
The words were whispered in a tone of disbelief and Johnny wasn’t sure what that meant or why it was such a big deal.
He was ignored, however, as the young man choose to stare in appalled wonder at his own hands. After a long moment of gaping, the guy quickly ran his hands over his own body as if looking for something. Johnny distinctly heard a whimper before the stranger whispered a desperate, “What the hell happened to me? Where’s my scars? My knee brace? How the fuck did I get my eye back?!?”
Suddenly, the absolute ironic absurdity of the situation hit Johnny right between the eyes. Tipping his head back slightly and slumping his shoulders he groaned with frustration, “Oh, for cryin’ out loud! It’s bad enough that one mad-scientist of an alien has to fuck up my life; now another crazy alien is dumping his failed science experiments in my lap. Do I have a sign over my head that says ‘kick me’ on it or what?”
Johnny’s sarcastic outburst snapped the stranger out of his minor panic and riveted his attention back onto him again. Instantly, Johnny tensed ready for an attack. Fucked up alien lab-rat reject or not, this man was dangerous. Then again, so was he.
“What do you know?! What in the name of the Hellmouth is going on here?”
Johnny’s brow crinkled in mild confusion of an epitaph he didn’t recognize. “Hey! Not your enemy here. I’m just the innocent bystander whose doorstep you got dropped on. Save your attitude for the gray bearded guy with the horns that left you here.”
The violence seemed to drain out of the guy as if a switch had been flipped. A tiny hint of despair muddied his brown eyes. “Gray guy? Horns?”
Johnny nodded, “Yeeeaahh…Tall, ugly, purple robes with gold trim,” He gestured to his chin and dragged his hand down towards the middle of his chest, “long beard in a dumb looking pony-tail,” and swirled his hand up to indicate the top of his head, “and several goatish horns growing out of his head like a freakin’ forest. Ringing any bells for you?”
It must have, because first the guy went sort of pale and then he went sort of red with anger, his face twisting into a snarl. The man was so livid that he shook with rage as he flung back his head and screamed to the sky, “D’Hoffryn!!!”
A neat circle of flame erupted out of the ground a mere three feet from Johnny, sending him diving for cover in the opposite direction and reaching for his non-existent gun once again. Once the flames reached eight feet high they suddenly cut out and in their place was that same bearded gray alien with the horns again. “What the fuck?”
The stranger nodded his head and gestured wildly with one hand in a move that encompassed not only Johnny, but the whole damn situation. “What he said. What the fuck, D’Hoffryn?! What the hell did you do to me and why’ja do it? And don’t give me any of your cryptic bullshit, either. We’ve known each other far too long for that crap.”
The alien smirked for a moment and opened his mouth to obviously spout some nonsense, but then he sighed, slumped down a bit and shook his head in what appeared to be resignation. “Look Xan, what I did was simple. I de-aged you to roughly 15-16 years old, shifted you to a non-magical reality with practically no demonic links and then flung you backwards in time almost 5 decades.” The stranger, Xan, gaped a moment and looked like he was about to freak when the alien, D’Hoffryn held up one long gray finger, “Aht! I did this personally in response to not just one, but two wishes. And while I don’t have any doubts about your abilities to take on any of my minions and come out the winner, we both know that I’m still out of your league.”
Xan slumped back against the Ferretti’s garage and reached up to rub at his eyes and then startled at finding two of them. He was pensive and still for a moment and Johnny found himself asking what he knew that man wanted to know. “Simple, huh? Right, de-aging, alternative reality shifts and time travel are simple. Yeah sure, okay…but why? I mean, really. ‘Cause it’s just not making sense to me.”
The alien looked over at him and smirked slightly before answering. “Yes, why indeed. To be honest, I was looking for a way to get an agent in this particular reality for a while now and thanks to you and your wish combined with the wish of one of his younger and less emotionally stable Slayers, I was able to bring Xanris the White Knight himself.”