Review of chapter "Lost? Found." from Bugeyedmonster
Not that I'm volunteering to be a beta... My work comes and goes, and when it comes, I'm really busy.
Anyway, you can take the challenge out, just put a link to it. That way your readers can concentrate on the story better. They jump right into the story, without wading through the challenge first.
If you can't find a beta, then let each chapter sit for a few days then look at it again. You'll be surprised at what you missed.
This is a suggestion...
"Her school teacher had gotten concerned when she hadn’t shown up for the second day in a row ..."
"had become concerned" flows better to me but you can leave this as is. Another point to this sentence, I'm assuming that Jenny always attended school as it was a good escape from home. But not all kids from such homes attend school religiously. Many times they skip more than they attend. Not sure if you want to clarify that point or not. If Jenny faithfully attended school, then yes, her absence would really be noticed, especially if she seemed to prefer being at school to going home.
"Vivian wastalking " Need a " " (space) between "was" and "talking"
"They came faster than thought, until a young woman, hair white and eyes pure white, a weapon of some kind in hand." This sentence reads a little awkwardly. "Until" what? Until Jenny saw her? Or until the lady of white hair and eyes spoke? I'm needing something after reading that until and not seeing it.
"Stuff that feed on humans." Should be "feeds" not feed. Or you could say "feasts on humans." That sounds creepy cool.
"They started fighting, then knocked her over." I think it should be "then he knocked her over."
"then when identified myself," I think it should be "when I identified myself,"
"some innocent gets hurt,” You could use either "some innocents get hurt" or "some innocent person gets hurt."
Not sure if Danny is "agent Taylor" or "Special Agent Taylor." You might be able to go to one of the WaT groups and ask that.
Well, end of critique section...
Anyway, now I'm wondering if Jenny's dad was put in prison for her "murder" or for the attempt on the mother. Logically I'd assume he was in prison for attempted murder of the mother, as they might not have had enough circumstantial evidence to try the father for Jenny's murder. But it would be interesting if her 'possible murder' had been tacked on somehow. (To the attempted murder charge.) Can you see Jack telling Jenny, "We thought that your father had killed you."?
Will say that I'm looking forward to seeing Martin interviewing Faith. Poor Martin, he's going to be blushing to the roots of his hair. Even his ears will be red.
May I also issue you an invitation to post this crossover at one of the Without a Trace fic groups?http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WAT-AllFic/http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/Without-A-Trace/
(The one above will moderate your first post.)http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Without_a_Trace_for_fans_and_fiction/
(That last one doesn't have much posting going on.)
Anyway... Keep writing. Looking forward to the rest. (And Faith over-sexing Martin out. I should have made Faith intimidating Martin mandatory.)
Review By [Bugeyedmonster
] • Date [12 Sep 06] • Not Rated