Er... what darren said. The story is not bad, and I actually liked the ones before this, but this chapter was confusing as hell. I kept hoping things will become clear if I read till the end.
I was more than a little confused by this chapter. Dialog does not stand on its own - not unless you're Shakespeare - and even then it can be confusing. The story needs to build outside or alongside the dialog, and I just didn't see that here. It may have made perfect sense in your own head, but then, you are, or should be, 10 chapters and plot points ahead of everybody else.
Who the heck is Michael? And what's with the weird threatening sword play? And why did the general become such a wimp when the potential fate of the planet is at stake? Sitting quietly by while a bunch of strangers did their thing? - I don't think so.
Sorry - but it just doesn't read as real or realistic - not in any way. You need to approach a situation from the point of view of each character, not from a writer's perspective of how your would like things to play out in some kind of perfect world.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the input. The next chapter should fix the confusion with who people are. If you don't know Michael is a character from Roswell. A basic background for why he freaked out on Ava is, basically, She is the exact clone of Tess, who used and killed their friend Alex and then messed with the head of their other friend Kyle to dump the body. There are other things she did, but the point is that she's dead and he freaked when he though he saw her. Also those questions are exactly the ones that all of the other characters are asking since they din't know either. Anyway, that will hopefully be cleared up for you next chapter.
General Landry will not really be a big character in this story, although I tried to put across his frustration and confusion. He's just biding his time until he can get the answers that were promised to him. The chapter is meant to be the place in the story where all the characters get together for the first time and don't know what to make of each other. I think I may have gotten too into it.
Sorry, I'll strive to have more cohesion and movement in the future. It's helpful to have readers who will point out things like that.
Me too! I think I love this universe. There is something about the characters that jumps out at me when I'm writing. I love doing the dialog way to much. The combination of geeks, smart asses and Scoobies is just way to fun.
Review By [RevDorothyL] • Date [19 Dec 07] • Not Rated
Shieldage
