an interesting start with some good action. I do think that Xander gives up his story way too quickly.
Reading quickly the biggest problem I see with this chapter is misplaced dialogue tags--it's worse in the last half. I put one example from your story below but its easier for you to compare to an explanation using fanfic as the exemplar. Go to the following website for what I mean (and compare it to your chapter): http://josephinedarcy.tripod.com/paragraphs.html
This is exactly like the problem the beginning of the web page talks about:
> “I can smell it. You’re losing too much to be healthy even if it is slowly.” > Sam gasped at that and they all looked at him.
> “I shot you.” Bobby blinked in surprise and then got up to grab his first > aid kit.
Never put one person's dialogue and someone's response to it in the same paragraph. In your two lines above it muddies the issue of who is speaking.
Comments from author:
Then someone needs to talk to every English teacher I ever had because that's how they taught us to do it.
Review By [kaleecat] • Date [5 Nov 08] • Not Rated
As soon as I posted the last chapter for my Black Jewels crossover, I was going to answer your challenge because it sounds amazing to write. And you aren't doing half-bad writing it yourself.
I think Xander gave up his story a little too quickly, but I understand why he did given the circumstances. Interesting how you have the hyena as an accessible power. I'm really looking forward to where you take this yourself.
*added* Oh, I am totally still going to take your challenge. In fact, I started it. I'll hopefully be posting the first bit soon. :)
Comments from author:
Hey just because i'm gioving it a shot doesn't mean you can't. Everyone writes differently. Besides I'm not fully answering it since in the challenge I had Xander finding out about the Supernatural from Bobby before Buffy showed up.
Yeah he spilled fast but considering Dean saw his eyes and they do outnumber him does he really have a choice if he wants his uncle to trust him?And notice he didn't give out the gangs names?
Looking forward to seeing that!
Review By [BluLadyK] • Date [5 Nov 08] • Not Rated
Despite dealing with the supernatural. it looks like the Winchester's and Bobby are going to be hard to convince (grin). Wait till Xander tells them the town mayor turned into a giant snake and they blew up the high school. Great start! :o)
Review By [kayron] • Date [5 Nov 08] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Can't wait for more of this, this has lots of potential. I can't wait to see where you take this. I have to laugh about the holly water water pipes. I always though that hunters were by definition a truly paranoid lot. That they would have not just there hunting stuff blessed in some way but all there everyday stuff would be to. You no, just to be sure. I always liked Bobby, very adaptable character to any plot and Xander always mind-candy but with Dean & Sam to, well that’s just too much. I do like how you used his prier possessions, its always interesting to see how different people use the same idea.
Comments from author:
Bobby in the series just strikes me as pretty paranoid when it comes to the supernatural so it seemed like sonething he'd do. I love Supernatural stories with the boys and Xander, there just don't seem to be enough of them out there so I decided to try myself.
Review By [Dogfire] • Date [5 Nov 08] • Rating [5 out of 10]
SusanAnthony
