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I'm with child

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Review of chapter "The summer and Diagon Alley" from VillageOrchid
Review:
Thanks for adding to the story.
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [14 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from darren
Review:
I'm having difficulty moving beyond the title: "I'm with child" - it's just too Victorian. Amish, even. I'm guessing some scoundrel "had their way with her."
Review By [darren] • Date [14 Jan 09] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Waking up, Dumbledore and secrets out" from VillageOrchid
Review:
Oh. cool. so she has the summer to catch up on some of the stuff she might not have actually learned for the first 4 years.
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [29 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Pranks, fainting and secrets out." from VillageOrchid
Review:
Unexpected twists based on the elements and synopsis... in a good way for chapter two. I can't quite see Dawn dying her hair black and red and punchig out her uncle... but good follow through on consistancy within the story....and the hint that a Dawn who would dye her hair like that ....might just do something like that. I do want to see her getting a wand and learning how to deal with magic and pregancies from Mrs. Weasely.
Review By [VillageOrchid] • Date [29 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Waking up, Dumbledore and secrets out" from Minuet
Review:
I think this is an interesting premise and a good beginning to your story. I'm very interested in learning just who the father might be.

I would, however, suggest that you consider finding yourself a good beta. You've got quite a few typos and problems with your grammar that would be a pretty quick fix and make it so much easier for the reader. If you find the right one(beta), you'll have someone to not only help look over your work for spelling and grammar errors, but also someone with whom you can discuss plot points and ideas.

Good luck and please continue!!

min
Review By [Minuet] • Date [29 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Waking up, Dumbledore and secrets out" from AriaDragoncrest
Review:
Excellent
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [AriaDragoncrest] • Date [29 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Pranks, fainting and secrets out." from Dreamweaver
Review:
Well, can't wait to see who it was that did the deed. There's only three guys in BTVS that Dawn would even consider in that way the least little bit. Angel. Spike. Xander.

1) For Xander, frankly, I automatically discount him. In my mind, I see him as looking at Dawn like a little sister. Plus, there's the fact that so far, you've been in the Wizarding world and I don't know what part of BTVS you've used. So, I'm thinking at this point Xander would have either been with Anya or too wary of what Buffy/Willow'd do to him if he even looked at Dawn wrong, and again, acts too much like a little sis for him to see her in any kind of a romantic light.

2) Angel, I think waaayy too old and (again with the I don't know what part of BTVS you've used) more than likely in L.A. doing his "helping the helpless" schtick.

3) Personally, I think Spike is the most likely as, from what I remember, Dawn's mostly always had a soft spot for the guy.
Comments from author:
hmmm none the above
Review By [Dreamweaver] • Date [24 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Pranks, fainting and secrets out." from Xeelia
Review:
Great story so far!! I can't wait to see who the daddy is!
Comments from author:
thanks
the dad what come in until later
i want dawn going to hogwarts first
Review By [Xeelia] • Date [24 Dec 08] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from zafaran
Review:
Umm. You do know that ALL CAPS is considered shouting on the 'Net? Right? How about retyping your first section in a quieter tone of voice? I just about backed out of the chapter and didn't bother reading it. The teaser in the description did pique my interest enough that I did go ahead and read, but shouting at readers is a good way of losing your readership before you even have a chance to get them interested in your story. I hope your muse and schedule will allow you to write and post more chapters sometime soon. Keep up the good work. Zafaran {mailto:} zafaran {at} fastmail {dot} fm
Comments from author:
thanks for the advice
noones every told me that
Review By [zafaran] • Date [23 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from spk
Review:
I'm definitely intrigued. Can't wait to see where you take this. :)
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [spk] • Date [22 Dec 08] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from littleoldme
Review:
The dialogue in this is well-written, but the rest of the prose is a little chunky. For example, take the first sentence:

Harry had been at Grimmauld Place for an hour and had already shouted at his friends caused by his lack of news from them and also because of the fact that his court case was tomorrow.

"Had already shouted caused by" is grammatically incorrect. You're looking for the word "because"- or possible "due to" or "as a result of." And even if the sentence was grammatical, it just doesn't read well- you're doing a lot of "telling" your readers what's happening, but not really "showing" it to them, and it's much better to do the reverse. There's a lot of info dumps throughout, and it could really use a Beta.

Still, I like your Dawn, and I find the premise intriguing.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the advice
Review By [littleoldme] • Date [22 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from AllenPitt
Review:
Is Snape aware of the whole "key" thing? I tend to doubt it... does Dawn have & know how to use a wand? or is she a squib? Just wondering.... if not a squib, did Joyce basically refuse to send her to a wizarding school?
One wonders if Snape or the Order knows about the whole slayer thing. Will Spike be showing up to check on the niblet?
Comments from author:
I thinking that Dawn can do and always has been able to do wandless magic, but Joyce refused to let her got to Hogwarts. Snape, Black, Lupin and Dumbledore know about the slayer thing. Oh and i thnk that Buffy is a squib because she was more important to do other things. spike will make an appearance nto sure when.
i think that people not know that dawn is the key as she wanst to be normal even though she has gotten over it.
Review By [AllenPitt] • Date [22 Dec 08] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from Fighter
Review:
Great start. I love how Dawn and Remus are together. I can't wait to read more. Please come back soon.
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [Fighter] • Date [22 Dec 08] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Fights with family and explanations" from chajalive
Review:
I hope Dawn and Severus make up. They would make a fiery uncle-niece team!
Thanks for this chapter!
Chaja
Comments from author:
thanks
Review By [chajalive] • Date [22 Dec 08] • Not Rated
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