Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Americana: Oxnard, California

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "...SO IT BEGINS..." from (Current Donor)SusanAnthony
Wonderful beginning!
Comments from author:
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
Review By [(Current Donor)SusanAnthony] • Date [29 Dec 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "...SO IT BEGINS..." from SilentInquisition
obviously we need to have a talk about swords. a rapier is a thrusting weapon, while it could inflict shallow slashing wounds it would in no way be able to decapitate someone. i believe the hybrid known as a cutting rapier is what the show uses, but I still doubt it's overall effectiveness as a method of decapitation. a sabre, a katana, hell a scimtir are all cutting blades which could be used, though honestly it's quite difficult to decapitate someone with a sword and it's bad for the blade, even with proper maintenance. it's a problem I had with the highlander series.

the plot itself isn't bad, though it is a bit unbelievable that they would unveil their secret lives so quickly and bond quite so fast, even under the circumstances. they both have reason to be wary, even if their personalities lean to the gregarious. also I find the first person perspective combining e-mails to willow with flashbacks to be awkward at best. furthermore, I think you're overlooking that during the time-frame this was occurring internet access and computers were significantly less available. for a broke as hell teenager in a small town in california it's unlikely that regular internet access could be arranged. however, it might be possible so it can probably be overlooked.

in short, i would stop writing in the first person, it's notoriously difficult to pull off since it gives you a very limited range with which to describe and develop; the third is much more standard. the background and character relations need a lot more development. just take things slow. I know the tendency is to want to rush, because you have all these great ideas, but it's better to really develop things. I suggest getting a beta who's willing to not only check spelling/grammar but also to challenge your plot ideas and tell you if you're rushing or what needs more development or feels awkward.
Comments from author:
I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy it. I'll try to keep in mind your advice about character development and plots. Thank you for reviewing.
Review By [SilentInquisition] • Date [28 Dec 10] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "...SO IT BEGINS..." from purrfus
Intriguing match up.

I'm a bit uncomfortable about Richie giving up the immortal part so quick, but I admit I haven't watched much Highlander in a long time and I'm not sure how in or out of character that would be. Guess I'll just keep reading and find out.
Comments from author:
Hmmm, I guess that depends. I know that he's wanted to tell some people and Mac's talked him out of it. I simply saw it as him thinking that if anyone could deal, it would be someone that knows about vamps. I don't hink Mac or Adam or Joe would have spilled the beans, but Richie... *shrugs*

Hopefully you enjoy it as the story continues.
Review By [purrfus] • Date [28 Dec 10] • Not Rated
start back Page: 3 of 3
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking