Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
using
 paypal
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Is your email address still valid?

Smashing Pumpkins

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "Consequences, Disco, and Paradox Clones" from possom
Review:
BaileyMatutine.... that was horrible. no plot that I can see.
Comments from author:
I'm sorry reader, but your plot is in another chapter.
Review By [possom] • Date [20 Nov 11] • Rating [1 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Consequences, Disco, and Paradox Clones" from Gideon
Review:
lols. Wonderfully disjointed. It is very handy for them that they magically know what to do when they fall into the giant spirograph. In the tradition of earlier reviews I have to tell you that I hate how you have changed Buffy's name to Buffa. So there :P Can't wait to see what other people come up with.
Comments from author:
I'm hoping that this inspires people to write their own chapter sevens.
Review By [Gideon] • Date [20 Nov 11] • Rating [8 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Consequences, Disco, and Paradox Clones" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Review:
Now that I'm finished laughing, I've seen something else that you might want to put into your bag of tricks. When you have a conversation, you don't have all of the parts on one line. Even if what a person says is one word, you give it it's own paragraph. And unless it's obvious, you tag it with the speaker's name in some way, to make it easier for the reader. So, '"No, Xanda. You can't wear that." "Why not?" "Because it's Disco." "So I'll fit right in!" "Not for another decade or so. Now put it back, and find something reasonable."' becomes -

"No, Xanda. You can't wear that," Buffa said.

"Why not?"

"Because it's Disco."

"So I'll fit right in!" Xanda grinned.

"Not for another decade or so. Now put it back, and find something reasonable."

The time that you want them all on one line is when they're saying things all at once, or extremely quickly after each other, as in "Was!" "Was not!" "Was!" "Was Not!"

I was thinking that was what you were doing, but you repeated in a longer, more drawn out conversation. Also, minor fact point, Disco was in the Seventies. Whether or not Buffy knew that....*shrugs*
Comments from author:
I wrote the whole thing in half an hour with a headache because I had an idea that wouldn't shut up when I read chapter 6. I really do know that one, it just... didn't happen. And I figured Buffa knows full well when Disco was, but is hoping to avoid Xanda wearing it. It IS available, after all.
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [19 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Consequences, Disco, and Paradox Clones" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Review:
*rolls on the floor laughing his butt off*

EDIT: You're the only one playing at this point. BTW, you have "Willow," at a place where you want "Willa."
Comments from author:
Does that mean I'm winning?

EDIT: It was inside a quote and therefor Buffa's mistake. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. But yes, if nobody else submits anything, that means that THIS wins. Lovely!
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [19 Nov 11] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from purrfus
Review:
I just found this story and I giggled myself silly - especially during the author through the wall. While I admit that I have a soft spot for Halloween fics, particularly ones that don't take themselves too seriously, yours has been a tremendous amount of fun to read.
Review By [purrfus] • Date [19 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from EroSlackerMicha
Review:
I come back excited to find a new chapter only to get to the end with the AN. Its been a good ride and you were doing well with this story. just because a couple of idiots...(sighs)

thank for the story but sadly like all the others put up for adoption it will be repackaged with teh chapters you did and then left unfinished.
even if you give a chapter to close off your work it will be missed as this story has potential to go all teh way past season 7 and even the comic season 8.
thank you again.
Comments from author:
What I may end up doing after a while is revisit the crossover without doing the challenge. But that won't be for a while. I'm interested to see what my detractors come up with.
Review By [EroSlackerMicha] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from nemmodo
Review:
I have really enjoyed your story so far, particularly the character interaction. Thanks for writing.
Comments from author:
Thank you for your comment.
Review By [nemmodo] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from RocksandGlass
Review:
Dunno what's gone wrong here, but I was quite enjoying this story up until the last couple chapters. I mostly tuned out because I'm a fan of the solid 4th wall, but looking back at what's been going on, I guess that's explainable. Some people take stuff too seriously, but I hope you get back to writing this or something else soon, because you are definitely capable of producing an entertaining, readable story.
Comments from author:
Thank you. My apologies for the mess.
Review By [RocksandGlass] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from ellf
Review:
Okay, I started this story with a little bit of optimism. It was an idea that I'd not seen before, and it had potential.

Unfortunately, I saw that potential get wasted. I saw what should have been a story turn into a summary of events.

This happened and then this happened and then this happened and then randomly someone talks. Your reviewers tried to point this out to you, but you ignored them. You ignored anything that was not praise for your fic.

In fact, you scorned valid criticism.

You sped through things that shouldn't have been sped through. You had people break the 4th wall in a non-comedic way. She-Hulk's canonical breaking of the 4th wall is always done for laughs, not an author's note rant.

I grew progressively more and more disappointed with this fanfic. The pacing was completely off, and the details just weren't there. I'm not going to tell you to fix them, especially at this point. You obviously can't take valid criticism. So I'm just leaving this review because this is my opinion.


Edit: You have some ego on you, don't you? I have better things to be writing than going through and fixing what you did wrong. I reject your gauntlet. There is no retraction. You can't respond to criticism with a "You think you can do it better? Do so." I'm pointing out what I found wrong with your fanfic. What others have found wrong with it. You have blatantly ignored that.

Edit2: Just because someone hasn't posted anything here doesn't mean they haven't written anything. Get over yourself.

Edit3: Since when is criticism whining?

Edit4: www.fanfiction.net/~ellf None of them are Buffy fics.

And no, pointing out what _you_ did wrong isn't whining. And if you'd like to know what you can do to fix it, I could tell you, but what's the point? Others have already pointed out and you've ignored them. You're the author, it's not my job to fix your mistakes.

But fine, I'll go a little more into what it is and what you could do if you were so inclined.

Your first two chapters set up in a decent way. I can see your logic for Xander getting bent by the She-Hulk coloring, but honestly, she should have looked like a female She-Hulk-ed Xander rather than Jen.

It's really around the third chapter that it started to fall apart, there were aspects in the second chapter, but you really didn't transition between scenes all that well. The flow was weirdly paced, and you had events happening in between scenes that should have had scenes devoted to them in of themselves.

If you want a decent pacing of events fic, take a look at the Xander as a Tok'Ra fic... "A New World" here on the site. That's a pretty good example on how pacing should work in a fanfic. Not too fast and not too slow. Characters evolve and don't just drastically change at the drop of a hat.

You end one chapter calling Xander and Willow by their normal names and pick up the next chapter immediately starting with their new names. You don't give any explanation as to what prompted the name changes save for them disowning their parents. You even call them by the new names in the narration.

Interesting scenes that could have been included: Reactions to "Xandra" and "Willa" in school. Honestly, I would have reversed the order of the first and middle names. Having both of them using Jen as a first name just rings as wrong to me.

Another interesting scene that could have been included: Whoever Ford went to now that Spike died right off the bat.

As for the ignoring thing, responding to the review isn't the same as addressing the concerns of the review. Criticism isn't only praise. It's also picking apart the writing, finding what's wrong with it.

Shocking as it is, some of us write to become better writers and we actually want to help others become better as well. Reacting to negative criticism with offense rather than understanding and attempting to address these things is egotistical. Every author has room to improve.

Admittedly, not all negative criticism is well-done criticism, and some people flame. You have to realize when ignoring the criticism is okay, and when it isn't. When people are trying to mess with your plot, ignoring it is sometimes okay. When people are telling you where they see plot-holes and where they think the pacing needs work, maybe you should listen.

Another piece of advice that is given is show, don't tell. Most of your chapters read as one statement after another; I don't feel like I'm there watching the scene happen. You keep telling me what's happening. I want you to _show_ me. Details matter. How did She-Hulk recognize Mary-Jane? She knew her in universe? But Buffy looks nothing like Mary Jane other than the red hair. She sounds nothing like Mary Jane. That's something the reader doesn't know. You have things like that to address.

There. And no, I don't have much of an ego. I just know what I like to read, and I want people to improve to that standard.
Comments from author:
The challenge has been out there over a year. It had one attempt that looked like it was made by someone who had English as a second language (no shame there, I'm sure any of my writing would look more than horrible in any language other than English). So you've had your chance, the idea has been out there for you to see.

And now you have your second chance. Even better, someone's started everything, set the stage for you. Go fix the problems. There should be a nice little link above the fic saying, Add Chapter. Please show me how horrible I've been, and how it should be done. The door's open, put fingers to keyboard. Because otherwise, I'll take it as a retraction of everything that you've said.

EDIT: No, you're saying you can't, because you can't. Try actually writing something before you whine.

So where have you written anything? I'd be pleased to see a link.

When you say, "I don't like it, but I don't want to change it," it's whining.

Edit 3,4? Hell, I don't know. By the way, I don't see how you get that I "ignored anything that wasn't praise." I answered every review. Just because I didn't react in the way someone wanted does not mean that I ignored them. You have some ego on you, don't you?

Edit 5: I've read your fiction. I'm glad that I took none of your advice. And if you had read for comprehension, you would have seen that they recognized from in universe because they were all changed to specific in-universe people, and the point was made more than once.

Edit 6: And before we get to all the "Huh? Wah?" on my previous edit, the reason that each of the Scoobies had their own face during Halloween in canon was 1) On Willow's part, she was a ghost of herself - that's also why she kept her memories; and 2) on Buffy's and Xander's part, they were _generic_ representations of what they were trying to be. Therefore, they didn't pull a face from anywhere, they used their own. Since in this AU they were trying to be specific people, She-Hulk aka Jennifer Walters and Mary Jane Watson, that means that they got the faces, bodies, and voices as well. That's how canon did it.
Review By [ellf] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from Gideon
Review:
Maybe leave the story for a while and come back to it in a few months when your enthusiasm has returned.
Comments from author:
It's certainly an option, but if I were going to do that, I'd start again, without some of the constrictions of the challenge. I think that I'll leave it as a sandbox for my detractors, the majority of who have not put one story up here, though managing, in at least one case, over 800 reviews, I believe.
Review By [Gideon] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from BlueEyedJedi
Review:
Is there a way that you could continue this story beyond the next chapter, besides burning the haters at the stake. A Pleasant Thought I know, but regrettably undo-able. Writing with the complexities of these subject matters was/is no doubt difficult, I thought you were hitting your stride. This story dealt with the sexual tension of the Scoobies first year together, in a fresh and original way, I hope it continues. I know Superman could beat 'The Judge' and 'Glory', but could 2 She-Hulks destroy those jerks, I was looking forward to finding out.
Comments from author:
As I said in my note, this fic has proven to be more of a chore than the joy it started out to be. When someone pays me, I'll be happy to do chores.

From my viewpoint, the She-Hulks won't go up against the Judge; Spike and Drusilla, who would have caused him to have been constructed, are no longer active. Glory is an open question. The facts that we know are that she's a hellgod, I'd say a minor godling based on the fact that she's sharing time with Ben. If that's true, she'd be about even with the twins unless she made them angry, which, given her temperament, is pretty much a sure thing. Then she goes down quickly, and that's without the Troll Hammer. With the Troll Hammer, and Buffy, I don't see any major problems.
Review By [BlueEyedJedi] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from JediKnight
Review:
Very funny job on chapter 5, I wish chapter 6 was a regular chapter though.

-Since when is Buffy kissing Willa on the lips? In the response to my last review you said Buffy, Willa, and Xandra were just friends.
Comments from author:
Thank you, but, if you wish, you can contribute.

Buffy is kissing Willa because they are girlfriends. They are not lovers(or at least were not at the time that you commented last, because they hadn't had sex (made love) yet. You can kiss and be girlfriends without having sex. I'm sorry for the miscommunication.
Review By [JediKnight] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "As suggested, Put Up or Shut Up" from texaswookie
Review:
Funny, I think you should have titled the chapter put up or shut up. Now the question is will you get any takers.
Comments from author:
Hell, no, at least not from the ones I named. They're the ones with lots and lots of reviews, and no postings. But they've got a week to think something up.
Review By [texaswookie] • Date [18 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 5" from Martin
Review:
What an awful chapter. Stories that break the 4th wall need to funny, which this isn't.
Comments from author:
Thank you for your comment.
Review By [Martin] • Date [17 Nov 11] • Rating [1 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter 5" from Gideon
Review:
Nice one. If anyone can break the 4th wall it would be those two :)
Comments from author:
Well, they saw how Jen dealt with the letters column...;)
Review By [Gideon] • Date [17 Nov 11] • Rating [7 out of 10]
start back Page: 2 of 5 next end
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking