Review of chapter "Serenity" from Oxnate
Don't take criticisms to mean that I don't like your story because I wouldn't bother to review if it didn't like it.
Right off the bat -- "In the five years Jack had been on board..." Not possible. As of the Episode Serenity, Inara had been on the ship less than a year. *In "The Train Job," Inara tells Book she has been on the ship "eight months now," while in "Bushwhacked," she tells Commander Harken that "(i)n a few weeks, it will be a year" since she came aboard.* Source: http://www.mts.net/
Next paragraph -- "... lifting heavy objects at shooting men from 500 feet away." 500 feet isn't that far. 300 yards (900 feet) is considered a good shot. 500 yards is considered an excellent shot.
"The pretty boy really hadn't been off dirt had he? Any spacer worth his pay knew the government didn't commandeer a ship unless theirs was broken down or they were working undercover. But Dobson looked just as curious." -- That line is excellent. Makes sense too. Great job.
And again -- ""Ain't nothin," Kaylee waved it off, "Bit of know how is all. Machines kind of talk to me. Not in the crazy 'kill all humans' kind of way."" HaHa!!! LOL
I assume Mr. Toombs got off on Whitefall. He said he was going to but you never showed him getting off. Now, I'm assuming it was Riddick in the coffin and they just got off on a planet that a ship full of Reavers got shot down on. That's going to be interesting.
EDIT: Ok, you mussed the timeline. Fine. What about Jayne now being such a horrible shot that he can't hit anything past 500 feet?
Review By [Oxnate
] • Date [9 Aug 12] • Not Rated