Review of chapter "A new Day Dawning" from kribby
I love your story. I think you have got all the characters down perfectly-- river sounds like river, the cap'n sounds like cap'n... etc. I especially like how you extended the story. This is all in all seamless. This review is for the entire story-- which I have just read. You are the reason I am *cough, *cough sick. I played hooky from work partly b/c I saw this and began reading and then rationalized taking a day off.
My only complaint is that your verb tenses are frequently completely incorrect. You should use the past tense more often. For example,
"Mal is feeling two things at this point. The main being anger. He had never wanted to kill someone more than he did at this moment. The other being confusion. Why was River so lucid? A few seconds ago she was talking in riddles and now she was making perfect sense."
Your first sentence should read. "Mal felt two things at this point."
Check out the following website for information. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/esl/esltensverb.html
This could also be considered a passive voice problem. Don't say -- Inara is thinking. Say-- Inara thought.
This other link also has some information about active/passive voice. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html
I hope it is okay to post links on this site. I didn't check before I did so.
Please keep on writing! You have a real winner here.
(just a hint-- more folks will review if you post 1 chapter at a time... like a chapter every other day or something)
Fic's get lost when there are 10 chapters posted in one day. Once the fic is off the 'latest page' it is less likely to be read by regular viewers of this site. Well, folks will read it if they search for it-- but even that is unlikely. I mean folks will search for a particular couple or a fandom but this is hit or miss.
Review By [kribby
] • Date [7 Nov 05] • Rating [9 out of 10]