Review of chapter "Hero and a visitor" from KevinSchultz
Heya - I agree with the previous reviews that you've got a good feel for the voices of the individual character. My critiques are as follows:
1a. River is coming across as precognitive - from what I understand of the series, she's extremely intelligent and a telepath: she doesn't have the ability to sense the future, which it feels like she's doing here. At least with the Willow thing - everything else concievebly could be a combination of mind reading and gesalt intelligence. The ability to predict which room Jayne would end up in? Plausable that she could figure that out intuitively, based on the thoughts of the people involved. Knowing that Willow will show up out of nowhere? No real way she could read that from someone's mind, unless Willow was out there a lot longer than it seems she was, or unless River can sense things across interdimensional/space-time boundries.
1b. Also, there's no evidence from the series that River can send thoughts - only receive them. While the mental conversation with Willow might be reflective of that (ie, River is Reading, while Willow is Reading as well, and River just happens to be aware of that fact), it feels as though River is both sending and recieving. Maybe her telepathy is functionally eqivalent to a type of magic, and Willow is tapping into that - but as it stands, it currently reads as OOC.
2. River is a bit too luicid. From what I recall of the series, she really does have schitzophrenia, or at least the inability to distinguish fantasy from reality - it just so happens that she's ALSO incredibly intelligent and a telepath, so that a good chunk of what she says makes sense in retrospect. Just not all of it.
3. Jayne is looking for an annulment, not a divorce. Legally (and even with the western Christian church), an annulment is an acknowledgement that one or more parties was not able to rationally give consent to a marriage, and as such the marriage is not binding, even if the ceremony went through. One of the most common justifications for annulment is "I was drunk" - if one person can't rationally say "I do", then the ceremony was not successfully completed, and an annulment is an acknowledgement of that fact. Either of the shepherds in the story (Book or Jayne's brother) would know the difference. Whether or not Jayne's mom would care is another point entirely. :)
4. Honestly, the Willow thing seemed like it came out of the blue. There's no real setup for it in the first chapter and a half, so it feels kind of "stuck on". Maybe it'll become more clear later on, but currently it feels like you were writing a (pretty good) Firefly fic, and suddenly dropped in a character from BtVS. The focus seems to end up being blurred.
Review By [KevinSchultz
] • Date [9 Feb 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Hero and a visitor" from Jinni
I love Jayne and River getting accidentally married. (Well, accidental on his part - not hers, apparently).
Review By [Jinni
] • Date [9 Feb 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Hero and a visitor" from gabbygal
Great job, you got the charaters voices down pat... Loved it when Willow showed up, really wasn't expeting it b/c i was so into the whole Firefly part of it, so that was a nice surprise...anyway great job, hope to see more:)
Review By [gabbygal
] • Date [8 Feb 06] • Not Rated