As for how to improve the chapter, I have a suggestion if you were going to rewrite it. I would probably cut the number of vampires down to like two of the uber vampires. And have the guardian show up to help. Not so much win the fight as just sort of tip the blance. I would probably draw out the length of time before they find out much about him. Probably the most glaring thing is I don't want you to tell me how cool he is. I want to see that from Buffy's reactions, from her losing sight of him as he moves. Or simply something like. The strange cloaked figure slips up behind the vampire only to toss him across the street into the brick building with enough force to crush the bricks. Just a personal nitpick but he should have enough control over his aura that Willow and Tara aren't going gogoe over him. Being that Tara at least isn't into guys much at all. That part struck me as strange.
Mainly more showing than telling as for the stranger, no reason to lay everything out on the table. I'm not sure what else to tell you other then take your time on things.
Comments from author:
thank you for that, I will look to alter the story at a later date, at the moment I have other readers on other sites begging me for more but I will remember.
Ubervamps don't enter the story for many many chapters yet as this is still season 5 and they appear in season 7.
As for how cool he is, now you mention it I did over do it a bit, more about him comes out later, I was trying to stress just how powerful he is as will become apparent as the story developes, the main thing that holds him back are rules not ability.
As for the going gogoe, I was sort of trying to show that his aura was so great they become almost hypnotised by it, the effects wane after being in proximity to it for a while, like getting used to a smell or a sound, you sort of filter it out, otherwise they would never be able to hold conversations with him
Review By [MistofRainbows] • Date [12 May 06] • Not Rated
I have to say I'm not a large fan of making Buffy look like an idiot. As for getting trapped by 10 vampires and a demon, most demons don't work with vampires. And it makes a bad story to have her rescued by an oc that doesn't even bother to stick around to chat. I can't really see Buffy not sticking around to look. She has taken on a hell goddess and won before. A few vampires aren't too much trouble. As for 10 vampires while that might be a problem she could probably kill enough to get the others to back off enough to flee.
To me the oc came across as one of those oh looky why don't you just do my job oh sparkly one that has cooler powers then I do because suddenly I can't fight worth crap and I wasn't paying attention and let 10 vampires jump me.
On top of that you rushed things to such an extent that I'm not sure I even cared what happened.
I guess my advice is to just slow down a touch.
Comments from author:
I did not intentually make Buffy look like an idiot, which is why I stacked the odds against her to make it seem like she was probably going to be killed if she tried to engage them all at once, and as for the demon that was just to make the challenge all the harder and to give the group a leader.
By this point Buffy has not taken on Glory that actually happens in a few chapters time.
The reason the OC is so vague at this point is to make the next chapter all the more suspenceful, this is my first full length fic so I would not be surprised if it does not work that well.
As for the rushing, you are probably right, I wrote this chapter over a year ago and other than proof reading it for gramatical errors I havent touched it since, if you have any suggestions as to how to improve the chapter please tell me
Thank you for the very quick review
Review By [MistofRainbows] • Date [12 May 06] • Rating [3 out of 10]
NotAGoauld
