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A Schism in Stars Hollow:A Father Goose Digression

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This story is No. 5 in the series "Father Goose Tales". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: One-eyed men and women wearing not quite enough black leather, riding motorcycles in the square, it seems evil has come to Stars Hollow but the one who sees finds it is already there. A follow up to Viva Los Xanders. Xander Faith and friends.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Gilmore GirlslitmouseFR181347,2812820271,27518 Nov 0623 Mar 07Yes
CoA Winner

Chapter 1: Arrivals


A Schism in Stars Hollow:

A Father Goose Digression

A BTVS – Gilmore Girls Crossover

By Litmouse



Disclaimer: BTVS characters and canon belong to Joss Whedon et al.
Gilmore Girls characters belong to the Palladino’s and/or ??
Not to me. So it goes.


NOTES:

It’s not necessary to read Viva Los Xanders before this, but it might make it a little more fun, as it is a sequel, of sorts.


Timelines:
BTVS: Definitely not necessary that you read Father Goose and the Black Knight to follow the story, but set in the same verse and after the events described there, but in, shall we say, a temporal anomaly: This is something that might happen five or six years later, ergo nine years after Chosen and one year after Viva. Xander and Faith are a couple, Giles heads the new Council, etc…

Gilmore Girls: Third season, just before Poes, since the Independence Inn hasn’t burned down yet. Rory is with Jess, and has been accepted to Harvard and Yale but hasn’t decided yet. Lorelai in romantic limbo and Luke is with Nicole.

Warning: I’m not sure, cussing and violence is always possible, if somewhat less likely in Stars Hollow. Also, if you’re big fan of David Rosenthal you might have issues.




A Schism in Stars Hollow: A Father Goose Digression



Chapter 1: Arrivals



It was late on a Friday afternoon, Doose’s Market was staying open to catch the end-of-the-work-week shoppers.

Taylor felt them coming. He had a sort of sixth sense for that sort of thing. It was not long before one of the five kicked in as well and he heard the distant thunder of an approaching motorcycle. It was a large machine carrying two riders, they rode once around the square, the evil grumbling of the engine echoing in the quiet town.

And then a station wagon pulled away from the curb and left an opening in front of his store and of course the motorcycle parked there.

The passenger got off, pulled off his helmet and revealed a black eyepatch covering his left eye. He pulled a walking stick out of a holder on the bike and began stretching and limping up and down in front of the store, Taylor half-expected him to burst out with a loud, “Arghh, avast ye scurvy dogs,” so much did he resemble the third lead in pirate movie.

The driver, clad head to heavy boot in black leather, pulled off…. her helmet, Taylor realized with a start, at least he thought it was a her, she had long black hair and while being fairly sturdy seemed to have a feminine shape beneath the armored riding gear .… and then she unzipped her jacket and removed all doubt.

She swaggered into the store, stood a moment surveying the merchandise and, Taylor could have sworn, posing for the discreetly (and some not so discreetly) staring locals.

“Hey, yo, Pops, can you tell me how to find the Independence Inn?”

Taylor started to explain but soon noticed the woman’s eyes were looking past him to focus on Dean in his green apron.

“Or maybe boytoy here could come along and show me,” she said, leaning across the counter to give the blushing teen an eyeful of her abundantly displayed assets.

Taylor pulled an old flyer out from under the counter, flipped it over to the blank back and began drawing quickly. He handed the woman the map, she hesitated, stopped ogling the boy long enough to take a quick look at the map which she then folded and placed very deliberately into the deep valley of her cleavage, gave Dean a last leer, punched Taylor on the arm, said,

“You’re all right, Pops,” and swaggered out.

Taylor wiped his forehead and turned to face the next customer. Outside Taylor heard the waiting pirate say, his voice petulant,

“Just couldn’t wait, could you?” but the woman’s reply was lost as she started up the bike. Taylor began slowly to relax as he heard the engine noise begin to fade into the distance.

But then slowly it began to grow louder … they were coming back, Taylor thought with horror, horror that multiplied as three motorcycles came into the square and rode once around and then naturally they parked in front of his market.

Taylor couldn’t believe his eyes. Not just more motorcycles. More men with eye-patches. More women in not quite enough black leather. That Gilmore woman had done it again. Now she’d booked some sort of half-blind biker gang into the Independence Inn. That was just inappropriate. There would have to be an emergency town meeting.

But in the meantime, the important thing was to get them out of the town proper. And away from his market as quickly as possible. Taylor pulled out another flyer and began to draw.

To his relief though the three women turned and, leaving the men to stand around leaning on their walking sticks, headed into Luke’s Diner. Taylor gave the hand drawn map to Dean and sent him to the back to make copies. Just in case.



Rory Gilmore came running up the steps and into the house and dropped her bag of assorted candy from Doose’s Market, for eating on the way to Friday night dinner with her grandmother, and her bag of assorted burgers from Luke’s diner, for eating after they got back from Friday night dinner, and stood panting and said,

“You’ll never believe what I just saw …..”

“Mikhail Baryshnikov in a tutu?” her Mother asked brightly.

“No.”

“Stephen Hawking in a tutu?”

“No. Ew. Shame on you.”

“Taylor in tutu?”

“Yes. Taylor was in a tutu.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”

“But you’re my angel, my sweet darling perfect girl who would never lie to her mother, so I have to believe you. Taylor was in a tutu?”

“No.”

“You lied to me. My world is shattered. So what did you see that was so terrible you had to lie to your mother who loves you?”

“I’m not going to tell you now.”

“Oh, but you have to.”

“No.”

“Please please please please and I won’t tell Jess what you did last night after dinner.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I would.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

“I would. What did you see?”

“I don’t remember.”

“I’ll tell Luke too. Tomorrow in the diner I’ll tell them together.”

“Okay, okay, now I remember, there were three men with one eye…”

“Just one eye? Did they pass it around like the Fates, it was the Fates wasn’t it or was it the Muses…?”

“It was the Fates and they didn’t have one eye….”

“You just said they had one eye….”

“I know, I know, but I meant that they had three eyes….”

“You mean with one in the forehead like the whatever it is that has three eyes with one in the forehead…”

“No! There were three men and they each had one eye….”

“In the middle of their forehead…?”

“No. In the …. Eye hole, thingy , socket, place for your eye. Making in all three eyes. And three eye patches. And three men. In front of Doose’s. On motorcycles.”

“Taylor must have loved that.”

“Yes. Taylor was quite flustered.”

“Why wouldn’t I believe that?”

“What?”

“That Taylor was flustered. You said I wouldn’t believe you and then you tell me Taylor is flustered and Taylor is always flustered so why wouldn’t I believe you?”

“That wasn’t the part you won’t believe.”

“Oh. There’s more?”

“Yes. There were three women….”

“How many eyes?”

“Six. Two each. In the usual places. And they were wearing skintight black leather outfits with their chests… well, lets just say it was a good thing they were wearing zip up boots because there was no way they could look down and see if their shoes were untied. And they went in to Luke’s…”

“To see if their shoes were tied?”

“Apparently to lean over the counter and show Luke their… chests. Although I suppose it’s possible they were trying to see their feet but…”

“You don’t think so.”

“Not really, no.”

“So, did he?”

“Did who what?”

“Luke, see their… chests.”

“I don’t see how he could have missed them. He has two eyes.”

“So was he, you know, looking?”

“Well, he was trying not to.”

“But he was.”

“Yes.”

“Is this the part I’m not supposed to believe?”

“No.”

“Oh. So, after they showed Luke their… chests?”

“They asked him for directions to the Independence Inn.”

“Oh. Well that explains it. They’re motorcyclists.”

“Explains what?”

“We’ve got a convention at the Inn this weekend. The Doppler Gang Society, which is kind of repetitive and redundant, gang, society, society, gang, same thing. It must be because they go really fast. On their motorcycles. And they’ll be all blue when they come and red when they leave. Because of Doppler. And his effect.”

“I don’t think it works quite like that.”

“Maybe it works better if you only have one eye?”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’m crazy? You’re crazy. I still don’t know what I‘m not supposed to believe.”

“Anyway they asked for directions and Luke sent them over to Doose’s because apparently Taylor has printed up a map to the inn.”

“That was very kind of him.”

“It says ‘Thank you for leaving Stars Hollow’ on it.”

“That was very Taylor of him.”

“So they left and that’s when I saw that, sitting in the corner in Luke’s there was another man with one eye….

“Another man with one eye? Maybe it’s a motorcycle and BB gun convention…. cause…."

“Yes, yes, I get it, we watch that movie every Christmas…. AND there was another woman wearing black leather who was really mad about something. I mean really mad. I heard her say something like,

“First, it’s been freaking years since I was like that, and I was never like that, maybe I flaunted it but I never freaking drooled like a half-wit, sure as hell not over some hayseed in a backwards baseball cap who smells of grease,”,

“Hey!” Lorelai interjected, “Luke’s not a hayseed.”

“Her words, not mine,” Rory continued, “and she got up and stomped out of the diner and over to the gazebo. And the one-eyed guy just sits there in the diner and shakes his head, like he's waiting for something. Now, this is the part you’re not going to believe. You remember that old white tree next to the gazebo with the y-fork and then the second y-fork just above it.

“Ye-ah, sorta.”

“She kicked it .”

“She kicked it?”

“And it fell over.”

“After she kicked it?”

“Cause and effect. Kick. Over. Like George Washington and the cherry tree..."

“George Washington kicked a cherry tree?”

“He chopped it down. Cause and effect. Same thing.”

“I didn’t know we had a cherry tree in Stars Hollow.”

“We don’t.”

“Because George Washington chopped it down, right. So she kicked down the tree….”

“… And then she came back in to the diner and sat down and the guy asked her if she felt better. And she said yeah. And then she ordered three more of Luke’s double cheeseburgers.”

“No way.”

“Yep. I heard her.”

“Three more?”

“Yep. Luke said she’d already eaten three.”

“The double cheeseburger. With fries?

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Told you.”



Faith was in pain, she lay curled in a fetal ball, hugging her aching ribs and gasping for breath. Above her, silhouetted against the pale purple darkness of the evening sky Xander stood, indifferent to, perhaps even slightly relishing her discomfort.

“Please,” she begged him, “make them stop.”

“You had to tell them,” he said coldly, “you just had to tell them. You brought this on yourself.“

That was true enough, she had to admit. But she’d had to. She’d never been the type of girly girl who had to run and tell her all friends everything that ever happened to her, but some things, like the existence of the Xander L. Harris Doppelganger Society for one, were just too good to keep to yourself. If she’d known she would end up in a small clearing just outside the tiny town of Stars Hollow watching Giles adjust his eye-patch, straighten his Hawaiian shirt, twirl his walking stick and come limping over to greet them she would have prepared herself….

Or maybe not. There just wasn’t much you could do to prepare for a sight like that.

Or for his reaching out to shake Xander’s hand and saying, “Yo, X-man, what’s up?”

But she’d held it together. Even as Buffy came up still brushing out her long black wig, wearing black leather jeans and jacket and low cut shirt, headlights on high beam,

“Hey, B.” Faith said, “you’ve been eating your vitamins.”

“It’s called a wonderbra, Faith.” And she blushed a little and looked away. “And maybe just a touch of Willow brand enhancement. But this is nothing, wait ‘til you see Double D Dawnie…”

And still Faith managed to keep it back to a wide grin, even as Andrew and Timothy arrived in matching bright blue surfer scene shirts and matching eye-patches and walking sticks with silver dolphin handles.

“Greetings and salutations fellow Xanders and Dark Slayers on this the momentous occasion…..errf. What?”

“Not now, Andy,” Timothy said, “save it for the presentation.”

The what?!” Xander said, but was interrupted as just then Red and her latest squeeze Kaitlyn arrived, Kaitlyn, with her small frame and delicate features and usual shy rabbit demeanor looking completely out of place in black leather and Red in her…. Hawaiian shirt and eye-patch.

“What?” the witch said.

“Will,” Xander started, but she cut him off.

“Don't you oppress me. I can be an Xander if I want to,” she said and did the pout the other scoobies knew better than to argue with.

There was a squeal.

“There you are! Willow!” Dawn had arrived and came marching over to the giggling witch, one arm wrapped under the protuberances on her chest, the other braced against the small of her back, “Look, when I said I wanted the whole Pam Anderson thing I didn’t mean the whole Pam Anderson thing I just meant....”

“Oh, relax, Dawnie, it’s only for seventy-two hours…”

“Willow! I keep falling over.”

“Oh, all right,” Willow said and waved her hand and Dawn’s bosom receded to more actual Faith-like dimensions.

And still, in part by carefully avoiding looking Xan in the face, Faith had managed to keep it in. But then Buffy called for all the Xander’s to line up and practice the limp…

“You too, Xander.”

“I don’t need to practice my own limp.”

“I thought that’s how come you lost the look-a-alike contest last time? But anyway, I don’t need you to practice, I need you to demonstrate. You here, and behind him, Giles, Andrew, Tim…Will, okay, on three, come toward me. One two three, limp. …. All right, lurch, then.”

But the sight of the four pseudo-Xanders lurching in a line like Romeran zombies was more than she could take and Faith lost it completely, the laugh took her and threw her around like no demon ever had and now she was on the ground holding her ribs and gasping for breath.

Finally, when she was able to breathe again Xan helped her to her feet and they all moved over to the edge of the clearing since Thiago was doing the teleport from Cleveland and precision still not his strong point…

And then Zoey, in her own worn black leathers, the only outfit so far to actually resemble Faith’s apparel, appeared along with four motorcycles, one of which had a sidecar. She quickly began organizing a little practice session,

“Mr. Giles, you’ll be with me on the Guzzi, Willow, I thought you and Kaitlyn on the Vulcan with the side, and Andrew and Tim on the Harleys with Dawn and Buffy…”

“No!” Andrew and Timothy cried out in terrified unison.

“Oh, sack up you two,” Dawn said, “we ride the Vespa in Rome traffic all the time, this will be nothing.”

“I still don’t know why we couldn’t have just rented a van,” Andrew complained.

“Because if we’re gonna do this, we have to do it right,” Buffy told him. “C’mon Andrew, it’s gonna be fun and we’re gonna have stuff to tease Xander with for the rest of his life.”

“That’s true,” Andrew said, mollified.

“So,” Giles said, after they all got used the travel arrangements, “are we ready?”

“Just can’t wait to see more of me, huh, Big G,” Xander said.

“Yes, it will be a dream come true. Shall we?”

“I have to make a quick courtesy call along the way,” Willow said, “so you guys better follow me.”


-30-

Next: Chapter 2: Baggage
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